Ballad III (A new Diurnal of passages, more exactly drawn up then heretofore)

A new Diurnal of passages, more
Exactly drawn up then heretofore.
Printed and published, 'tis order'd to be
By Henry Elsing the Clerk of the P.

June 1. 1643.
Since many Diurnals (for which we are griev'd,
Are come from both Houses, & are not believ'd
The better to help them for running and flying,
We have put them in Verse, to Authorise their lying
For it has been debated, and found to be true,
That lyings a Parliament Priviledge too:
And that they may the sooner our conquests reherse'
We are minded to put them in Galloping verse:
But so many maim'd Souldiers from Reading there came,
That in spite of the Surgeons, make our verses go lame.
We have ever us'd Fictions, and now it is known,
Our Poverty has made us Poetical grown.

Munday.
On Munday both Houses fell into debate,
And were likely to fall by the ears as they sate;
Yet would they not have the business decided,
That they (as the Kingdom is) might be divided.
They had an intention to Prayers to go,
But Extempore Prayers are now Common too.
To Voting they fall; and the key of the work,
Was the raising of money for the State and the Kirk.
'Tis only-Free-loan; yet this order they make,
That what men would not lend, the should Plunder and take.
Upon this, the word Plunder came into their mind,
And they all did labour a new one to find:
They call'd it distraining, yet thought it no shame,
To persist in the Act, which they blush't for to name.
They Voted all persons from Oxford that came,
Should be apprehended: and after the same,
With an Humble Petition, the King they request,
Hee'd be pleas'd to return, and be serv'd like the rest.
A message from Oxford conducing to peace,
Came next to their hands, that Armes might cease.
They Voted, and Voted, and still they did vary,
Till at last the whole sense of the House was contrary
To reason; they knew by their Arms they might gain,
What neither true reason, nor Law can maintain.
Cessation was voted a dangerous plot;
Because the King would have it, both Houses would no.
But when they resolv'd it, abroad must be blown,
(To baffle the world) that the King would have none.
And carefully muzled the mouth of the press,
Lest the truth should peep through their jugling dress.
For they knew a cessation would work them more harms,
Then Essex could do the Cavaliers with his arms.
While they keep the Ships and the Forts in their hand,
They may be Traytors by Sea, as well as by Land.
The Forts will preserve them as long as they stay,
And the Ships carry them and their plunder away.
They have therefore good reason to account war the better,
For the Law will prove to them but a killing letter.

Tuesday.
A Post from his Excellence came blowing his Horn,
For Money to advance, and this spun out the Morn;
And strait to the City some went for relief,
The rest made an Ordinance to carry Powder-Beef.
Thus go up the Round-heads, and Essex advances,
But only to lead his Souldiers new dances.
To Reading he goes, for at Oxford (they say)
His wife has made Bull-works to keep him away.
Prince Rnpert, for fear that the name be confounded,
Will saw off his horns, and make him a Round-head.
The newes was returned with General fame,
That Reading was taken ere ever he came:
Then away Rode our Captains, and Souldiers did run,
To shew themselves valiant, when the Battail was done,
Preparing to plunder, but as soon as they came,
They quickly perceived it was but a flam:
An Ordinance of Parliament Essex brought down;
But that would not serve him to batter the Town.
More money was rais'd, more Men and Ammunition,
Carts loaded with Turnips, and other provision.
His Excellence had Chines and Rams-heads for a present,
And his Councel of War had Wood-cock and Pheasant:
But Ven had 5000. Calves heads all in carts,
To nourish his Men and to chear up their hearts:
This made them so valiant, that that very day,
They had taken the Town but for running away.
'Twas Ordered this day, that thanksgiving be made,
To the Round-heads in Sermons, for their beef, and their bread,

Wednesday.
Two Members this day at a Conference sate,
And one gives the other a knock on the pate.
This set them a voting, and the upper House swore,
'Twas a breach of priviledge he gave him no more.
The lower the breaking their Members head voted
A breach of their priviledge; for it is to be noted,
That Treason and Priviledge in it did grow;
'Twas a breach of his Crown and dignity too.
Then came in the Women with a long long petition,
To settle Militia and damn the Commission.
For if fighting continue, they say they did fear,
That Men would be scarce, and Husbands be dear:
So plainly the Speaker the business unties,
That presently all the Members did rise:
They had hardly the leisure all things to lay ope,
But some felt in their Bellies if they had not a Pope;
Some strictly stood to them, and others did fear,
Each carried about them a fierce Cavalier:
This business was handled by the Close-Committee,
That privately met at a place in the City:
So closely to voting the Members did fall,
That the humble Sisters were overthrown all:
But they and their helpers came short at the last,
Till at length the whole work on Prince Griith was cast;
And he with his troup did handle the matter,
He pleased every Woman, as soon as he came at her.
The business had like to have gone on their side,
Had not Pym perswaded them not to confide.
For rather then peace, to fill the Common-wealth,
He said hee'd do ten every night himself.

Thursday.
This day a great fart in the house they did hear,
Which made all the Members make buttons for fear;
And one makes nine speeches while the business was, hot,
And spake through the nose that he smelt out the plot.
He takes it to task, and the Articles drawes,
As a breach of their own Fundamental laws.
Now Letters were read which did fully relate
A victory against New-Castle of late;
That hundreds were slain, and hundreds did run,
And all this was got ere the battel begun:
This then they resolved to make the best on;
And next they resolved upon the Question,
That Bonfires and praises, the Pulpit and Steeple,
Must all be suborned to couzen the People:
But the policy was more money to get,
For the conquest's dear bought, and far enough fet;
Such victories in Ireland, although it be known,
They strive to make that Land as bad as our own
No sooner the money for this was brought hither,
But a croud of true Letters came flocking together,
How Hotham and's army, and others were beaten.
This made the blew Members to startle and threaten:
And these by all means must be kept from the City,
And only referred to the Privy-Committee:
And they presently with an Extempore Vote,
(which they have used so long, that they learned by rote,)
They stil'd them malignant, and to lies they did turn them,
Then Corbet in stead of the Hangman, must burn them:
And he after that an Ordinance draws,
That none should tell truth that disparag'd the cause.
Then P. like a Pegasus trots up and down,
And takes up an angel to throw down a Crown:
He stands like a Centaure and makes a long speech,
That came from his mouth, and part from his breech:
He moves for more Horse, that the Army may be
Part Mans-flesh and Horse-flesh, as well as he;
And hee'l be a Colonel as well as another,
But durst not ride a horse, 'cause a horse rode his Mother.

Friday.
Sir Hugh Cholmley for being no longer a Traytor,
Was accus'd of treason in the highest Nature;
'Cause he (as they bad him) his Souldiers did bring,
To turn from Rebellion, and fight for the King:
They voted him out, but, nor they nor their men
Could vote him into the house agen.
Sir David's Remonstrance next to them was read,
From the Cities round body, and Isaac's the head:
'Twas approv'd; but one cause produc'd a denial,
That all Traytors be brought to a Legal trial:
For 'tis against reason to vote or to do
Against Traytors when they are no other but so;
Because about nothing so long they sit still,
They hold it convenient Diurnals to fill:
And therefore they gave their Chronographer charge
To stuffe it with Orders and Letters at large.
The King by's Prerogative, nor by the Law,
Can speak, nor print nothing his people to draw:
Yet Penny-les Pampleters they do maintain,
Whose only Religion is Stipendary gain.
Who Cum Privilegio, against King and the State,
The treason that's taught them (like Parrats) they prate.
These Hackneys are licenc't what ever they do,
As if they had Parliament priviledge too.
Thus then they consult; so zealous they are,
To settle the peace of the Kingdom by war:
But against Civil war their hatred is such,
To prevent it they'l bring in the Scots and the Dutch.
They had rather the Land be destroy'd in a minute,
Then abide any thing that has loyalty in it;
And yet their rebellion so neatly they trim,
They fight for the King, but they mean for King Pym
These all to fight for, and maintain are sent
The Lawes of England: but New-England is meant;
And though such disorders are broke in of late,
They keep it the Anagram still of a State:
For still they are plotting more riches to bring,
To make Charles a rich and glorious King;
And by this rebellion this good they will do him,
They'l forfeit all their Estates unto him.
No Clergy must meddle in Spiritual affairs,
But Layton ne'r heard of it, losing his ears,
For that he might be deaf to the prisoners cries,
To a spiritual Goalers place he must rise.
The rest have good reason for what they shall do,
For they are both Clergy and Laity too:
Or else at the best, when the question is stated,
They are but Mechannicks newly translated.
They may be Committees to practise their bawling,
For stealing of horses is a spiritual calling.
The reason why people our Martyrs adore,
'Cause their ears being cut off, their fame sounds the more.
'Twas ordered the Goods of Malignants and Lands,
Shall be shar'd among them, and took into their hands.
They send spirits for more malignants to come,
That every one in the house may have some.
Then down to Guild-hall they return with their thanks,
To the fools whom the Lottery has cheated with blanks.

Saturday.
This day there came news of the taking a Ship,
(To see what strange wonders are wrought in the deep)
That a troop of their Horse ran into the Sea,
And pull'd out a Ship alive to the key;
And after much prating and fighting they say,
The ropes serv'd for traces to draw her away:
Sure these were Sea-horses, or else by their lying
They'ld make them as famous for swimming as flying.
The rest of the day they spent to bemoan
Their Brother the Round-head that to Tyburn was gone,
And could not but think it a barbarous thing,
To hang him for killing a friend to the King:
He was newly baptized, and held it was good
To be washed, yet not in water, but blood.
They ordered for his honour to cut off his ears,
And make him a Martyr; but a Zelot appears,
And affirm'd him a Martyr, for though 'twas his fate
To be hang'd, yet he dy'd for the good of the State.
Then all fell to plotting of matters so deep,
That the silent Speaker fell down fast asleep:
He recovers himself and rubs up his eyes,
Then motions his house that 'twas time to rise.
So home they went all, and their business referr'd
To the Close-Committee by them to be heard;
They took it upon them, but what they did do,
Take notice that none but themselves must know.

Postscript.
Thus far we have gone in Rhithm to disclose,
What never was utter'd by any in prose;
If any be wanting, 'twas but a mishap,
Because we forgot to weigh't by the map;
For over the Kingdom their orders were spread,
They have made the whole body as bad as the head;
And now made such work, that all they can do,
Is but to read Letters and answer them too.
We thought to make Finis the end of the story,
But that we shall have more business for you.
For (as their proceedings do) so shall our Pen,
Run roundly from Munday to Munday agen.
And since we have begun, our Muse doth intend
To have (like their votes) no beginning nor end.