A Voyage to Ireland in Burlesque, Canto 2

After seven hours sleep, to commute for pains taken,
A man of himself, one would think, might awaken,
But riding, and drinking hard, were two such spells,
I doubt I'd slept on, but for jangling of Bells,
Which, ringing to Mattens all over the Towns .
Made me leap out of Bed, and put on my Gown,
With intent (so God mend me) I have gone to the Choire,
When streight I perceived my self all on a fire;
For the two fore-nam'd things had so heated my bloud,
That a little Phlebotomy would doe me good:
I sent for Chirurgion, who came in a trice,
And swift to shed bloud, needed not be call'd twice,
But tilted Steeletto quite thorough the Vein,
From whence issued out the ill humours amain;
When having twelve Ounces he bound up my arme,
And I gave him two Georges, which did him no harm:
But after my bleeding I soon understood
It had cool'd my Devotion as well as my Bloud,
For I had no more mind to look on my Psalter
Than (saving your presence) I had to a Halter;
But like a most wicked and obstinate Sinner,
Then sate in my Chamber till Folks came to dinner:
I din'd with good stomach, and very good chear,
With a very fine Woman, and good Ale and Beer;
When my self having stuff'd than a Bag-pipe more full,
I fell to my smoaking untill I grew dull;
And therefore to take a fine nap thought it best,
For when Belly full is bones would be at rest;
I tumbled me down on my Bed like a swad,
Where O the delicious Dream that I had!
Till the Bells, that had been my morning molesters,
Now wak'd me again, chiming all in to Vespers;
With that starting up, for my man I did whistle,
And comb'd out and powder'd my locks that were grizle,
Had my cloths neatly brush'd, and then put on my Sword,
Resolv'd now to go and attend on the word.

Thus trick'd, and thus trim, to set forth I begin,
Neat and cleanly without, but scarce cleanly within;
For why, Heaven knows it, I long time had bin
A most humble obedient Servant to sin;
And now in Devotion was even so proud,
I scorned (forsooth) to joyn pray'r with the Croud.
For though courted by all the Bells as I went,
I was deaf, and regarded not the Compliment,
But to the Cathedral still held on my pace,
As 'twere, scorning to kneel but in the best place;
I there made my self sure of good Musick at least,
But was something deceiv'd, for 'twas none of the best;
But however I staid at the Churches commanding
Till we came to the peace passes all understanding,
Which no sooner was ended, but whir and away,
Like Boys in a School when they've leave got to play,
All save Master Mayor, who still gravely stays
Till the rest had left room for his Worship and's Mace:
Then he and his Brethren in order appear,
I out of my stall and fell into his rear;
For why, 'tis much safer appearing, no doubt,
In Authority's Tail, than the head of a Rout.

In this rev'rend order we marched from Pray'r;
The Mace before me borne as well as the May'r;
Who looking behind him, and seeing most plain
A glorious Gold Belt in the rear of his Train,
Made such a low Congey, forgetting his place,
I was never so honour'd before in my days;
But then off went my sclp-case, and down went my Fist,
Till the Pavement, too hard, by my knuckles was kissed .
By which, though thick-scull'd, he must understand this,
That I was a most humble Servant of his;
Which also so wonderfull kindly he took,
(As I well perceiv'd both b'his gesture and look,)
That to have me dogg'd home, he streightway appointed,
Resolving, it seems, to be better acquainted;
I was scarce in my Quarters, and set down on Crupper,
But his man was there too, to invite me to Supper;
I start up, and after most respective fashion
Gave his Worship much thanks for his kind Invitation,
But begg'd his excuse, for my stomach was small,
And I never did eat any Supper at all;
But that after Supper I would kiss his hands,
And would come to receive his Worship's commands:
Sure no one will say, but a Patron of Slander,
That this was not pretty well for a Moorelander;
And since on such reasons to sup I refus'd,
I nothing did doubt to be holden excus'd;
But my quaint Repartee had his Worship possess'd
With so wonderfull good a conceit of the rest,
That with mere Impatience he hop'd in his Breeches
To see the fine Fellow that made such fine Speeches:
Go, Sirrah, quoth he, get you to him again,
And will and require in his Majesties Name,
That he come; and tell him, obey he were best, or
I'll teach him to know that he's now in West-Chester.
The man, upon this, comes me running again,
But yet minc'd his Message, and was not so plain;
Saying to me onely, good Sir, I am sorry
To tell you my Master has sent again for you;
And has such a longing to have you his Guest,
That I, with these ears, heard him swear and protest,
He would neither say Grace, nor sit down on his Bum.
Nor open his Napkin, untill you do come.
With that I perceiv'd no excuse would avail,
And, seeing there was no defence for a Flail,
I said I was ready Master May'r to obey,
And therefore desir'd him to lead me the way:
We went, and e'er Malkin could well lick her ear,
For it but the next door was, forsooth, we were there;
Where lights being brought me, I mounted the Stairs,
The worst I e'er saw in my life at a Mayor's,
But every thing else must be highly commended;
I there found his Worship most nobly attended,
Besides such a Supper as well did convince,
A May'r in his Province to be a great Prince:
As he sate in his Chair, he did not much vary,
In state, nor in face, from our Eighth English Harry;
But whether his face was swell'd up with fat,
Or puff'd up with Glory, I cannot tell that:
Being enter'd the Chamber half length of a Pike,
And cutting of faces exceedingly like
One of those little Gentlemen brought from the Indies,
And skrewing my self into Congeys and Cringes,
By then I was half way advanc'd in the Room
His Worship most rev'rendly rose from his Bum,
And with the more Honour to grace and to greet me,
Advanc'd a whole step and an half for to meet me;
Where leisurely doffing a Hat worth a Tester,
He bad me most heartily wellcome to Chester;
I thank'd him in Language the best I was able,
And so we forthwith sate us all down to Table.

Now here you must note, and 'tis worth Observation,
That as his Chair at one end o'th' Table had station,
So sweet Mistress May'ress, in just such another,
Like the fair Queen of Hearts, sate in state at the other;
By which I perceiv'd, though it seemed a Riddle,
The lower end of this must be just in the middle;
But perhaps 'tis a Rule there, and one that would mind it
Amongst the Town-Statutes 'tis likely might find it.
But now into th'Pottage each deep his Spoon claps,
As in truth one might safely for burning one's chaps,
When streight, with the look and the tone of a Scold,
Mistress May'ress complain'd that the Pottage was cold,
And all long of your fiddle-saddle, quoth she;
Why, what then, Goody two-shoes, what if it be?
Hold you, if you can, your tittle-tattle, quoth he.
I was glad she was snapp'd thus, and guess'd by th'discourse,
The May'r, not the gray Mare, was the better Horse;
And yet for all that, there is reason to fear,
She submitted but out of respect to his year;
However, 'twas well she had now so much grace,
Though not to the Man, to submit to his place;
For had she proceeded, I verily thought
My turn would the next be, for I was in fault;
But this brush being past we fell to our Diet,
And e'ery one there fill'd his Belly in quiet.

Supper being ended, and things away taken,
Master Mayor's Curiosity 'gan to awaken;
Wherefore making me draw something nearer his Chair,
He will'd and requir'd me there to declare
My Countrey, my Birth, my Estate, and my Parts,
And whether I was not a Master of Arts;
And eke what the bus'ness was had brought me thither,
With what I was going about now, and whither:
Giving me caution, no lye should escape me,
For if I should trip, he should certainly trap me.
I answer'd, my Country was fam'd Stafford-shire;
That in Deeds, Bills, and Bonds, I was ever writ Squire;
That of Land, I had both sorts, some good, and some evil,
But that a great part on't was pawn'd to the Devil;
That as for my Parts, they were such as he saw;
That indeed I had a small smatt'ring of Law,
Which I lately had got more by practice than reading,
By sitting o'th' Bench, whilst others were pleading;
But that Arms I had ever more studi'd than Arts,
And was now to a Captain rais'd by my deserts;
That the bus'ness which led me through Palatine ground
Into Ireland was, whither now I was bound;
Where his Worship's great favour I loud will proclaim,
And in all other places where ever I came.
He said, as to that, I might doe what I list,
But that I was wellcome, and gave me his fist;
When having my Fingers made crack with his gripes,
He call'd to his man for some Bottles and Pipes.

To trouble you here with a longer Narration
Of the several parts of our Confabulation,
Perhaps would be tedious, I'll therefore remit ye
Even to the most rev'rend Records of the City,
Where doubtless the Acts of the May'rs are recorded,
And if not more truly, yet much better worded.

In short, then we pip'd, and we tippled Canary,
Till my Watch pointed one in the Circle Horary;
When thinking it now was high time to depart,
His worship I thank'd with a most gratefull heart;
And because to great men Presents are acceptable,
I presented the May'r, e'er I rose from the Table,
With a certain fantastical Box and a Stopper;
And he having kindly accepted my offer,
I took my fair leave, such my visage adorning,
And to bed, for I was to rise early i'th' Morning.