Satyr 3

Man is a laughing Creature, who in this,
And a soul rational distinguisht is
From brutish beasts: yet even they not have
Like use of Reason seem they wise or grave.
Follies in them pitty or laughter move
In men of wiser judgement: to reprove
Whose open Errours with as publike smiles
Is best: for silent pitty but beguiles
And hardens follie by connivance; we
By precept and example taught must be.
Yet both are scarce enough to instruct or wean
Some from the Simples which they first suckt in
With their flit nurses milk: for sure it is
Midwives and Nurses make men fools or wise.
Why should not Cosmus els that City heir,
Whose education was the onely care
Of his indulgent parents wiser prove?
For see how like a Puppet he doth move,
Or Quarter-striker turns upon his toe,
As in a frame when he saluteth you!
Good manners are not bought at th' change or Schools:
Art's Nature servant; Fools wil stil be fools
Yet wasters could he manage for Pruans wel
At Islington on Sundayes, and to tel
You truth had learnt to dance, but that his ear
And he both so inapprehensive were.
But he is rich, hath fin'd for Sheriff twice,
And wears good cloathes; yet out of them, or his
Mean rabscab companie, looks like what he was
First born and bred, that is a precious Asse.
So there's a river in Boetia
Wherein the fishes shine like gold they say;
But taken thence look but as other frie.
The City seldome breeds Gentilitie
Til three or four discents. No Oake can be
Upon a Peartree graft so contrarie
And wide their Natures are. But see his friend
Whom he so often walks with to Mile-end,
The Fencer Peregrin that brags he can
Kil at Duello more than any man;
Has rules to print the flesh, as the Stoccata,
Passada, Punto, and the Imbroccata,
With more Italian postures; by a groom,
Yet was disarm'd, beat and kickt out o'th' room,
The other Morn at th'Trumpet: could not skil
Guard him from such a sawcie foot as wel?
Hang't, this is horse-play, saies he; oh the sence
Of discreet manhood valiant patience!
Thus men discover'd are by th'companie
They keep, and throughly known: els why wou'd he
Delight in Dabcok, that Town-gul, whose nose
And face are as ridiculous as cloathes?
Marrie to laugh at; that himself might bee
Thought wiser, though God knows, but one degree.
As ugly Ladies waiting faces get
More ugly them the better off to set.
Many o'th' City have such properties
To worship them, and with forc't laughter please.
For is't not brave to be the best i'th' room,
Pay all, have all respect, and after come
To be admir'd by Squndrels? Formal I
Am most incens'd with yet, whose gravity
Outweighs all other parts, his speech is cream
Starcht as his beard, takes his hat off by th'brim
Methodically 'twixt two fingers, while
His face of Essayes seldom deigns to smile;
Like one i'th' Isle of eggs he nicely walks,
Affects strange sawces, like a Sophister talks,
Respects none that wear worser cloathes than he,
And thinks himself the rare Academie;
More proud of's little wit, neat hose, than e'r
Incaeptor was of's gown the first whole year,
Loves to be eied, yet looks nor drinks below
The salt, seems gravely wise, is nothing so.
How practis'd is this policie? for most men
Study more how to seem judicious, than
To be so, herein whilst their best wisdome lies
To hide their follies in Scholastick guise:
This is a fit companion, Cosmus wear
This Bristol Diamond in thy copper ear!
'Fore him, that young proud Statist I must hate,
Whose face is all Mosaick, intricate,
And ful of artificial gravitie,
Talks to himself where e'r he goes, with eie
By speculation downward fixt, though he
Looks higher than his foretop, hopes to be
O'th' Privie Councel: and wil whispring tel
News known as doubtful as an Oracle.
This is that other earwig crept into
Cosmus acquaintance, whom he graceth too;
Hee onely bids him welcome for his tongue,
With which he feeds him all the dinner long;
Lends what he asks, though he ne'r thanks him for't,
And hardly owns him when he comes to Court.
Yet oft his wife he visits, swears by Jove
He'l place her at next Mask neer or above
The Maids of Honour, tels her too he'l get
Her Husband Knighted; thus his debts hee'l quit
While Cos. buyes honour. Oh what Emphasis
And weight his words bear while 'mongst men he is!
Each line he speaks looks like a Pyramis,
On whose three sides one undiscover'd is.
His Janus Hieroglyphick double front
Speaks him an Oedipus: oh out upon't!
The Guelphs and Gibellines not so factious were,
As the confused thoughts and projects here
In's Machiavellian noddle; now he dreams
Waking of Crowns and Kingdoms, Stratagems
To subvert Mahomet, or for private gain
Patents for Pins or Soape, or els his brain
Sweats with Monopolies of bones, or tough
Calves-skins wel drest to sel for Irish Bust.
Passant he deign'd me once a nod and smile,
To be but known to these Court earwigs, I'l
Be sworn is ev'n as great a grace or mo
Than had I kist his Holinesses toe.
His Caesar Hawks-nose his ambition shows,
While thus like Niles tal Crocodile he grows
As long as e'r he lives: he'l surely sup
With one o'th' Secretaries o'th' State, and up
With some great Lord, or other at each word,
To gain the audience of all the board,
Whom he names as familiarly, as he
Were his Compeer, and not his propertie.
His foot-boy comes and whispers him in haste:
The news? I'm set, so soon as supper's past,
Go tel my Lord I'l wait on him. How now?
A sweating Porter bring a Letter too?
Directed to th'most accomplisht Gentleman?
Oh it's from the Lady—he replies, the hand
I know, and business: wel he might, he wrote
The letter all himself, a pretty plot.
E'r he goes thence a prentice with a noat
Seal'd from his Creditour finds him, he opes it not,
But loudly tels the youth his Masters suit
To morrow shal be granted, that he'l do't,
Bids him be confident. Emploi'd he is
In every sene thus with new business.