The Touching Ballad of General Von Beers

Major Fritz-Schinkenwurst Hofbrau Von Beers
Was the pride and the joy of the Pruss Grenadiers.
You’ve guessed him a Prussian, shrewd reader, at sight,
And a glance at his manners will prove you are right.

In his fervour for “Frightfulness” Major Von Beers
Acknowledged no betters and precious few peers.
And every one envied his well-earned repute
For arson and pillage and rapine and loot.

No symphony held such delectable tones
For the ears of Von Beers as the shrieks and the groans
Of women and children bombarded with shell,
Or the crash of a hospital tumbling pell-mell.

One day from Berlin came the order “Refrain
For the present from Frightfulness. Start Press Campaign.
Von Bernstorff has wired we’re getting in wrong
With the Yankees, so play up HUMANITY strong.”

Loud, loud were the wailings of Hofbrau Von Beers.
But duty is duty, so drying his tears,
He purchased a volume by Peter F. Dunne
On “How to be Civilised, though you’re a Hun.”

He swatted up Honour, and Peace and Good-will
For a year seven months and a fortnight until,
You’ll scarcely believe it, that Hun I declare
Acquired a sort of a civilised air.

It was balky, spasmodic and apt to take flight
When a press correspondent was nowhere in sight.
It was clumsy, uncertain and crude, I’m aware,
Yet distinctly suggested a civilised air.

He started at once a colossal campaign
And filled correspondents with fibs and champagne,
And the press correspondents all voted Von Beers
A prince of good fellows, ’mid deafening cheers.

Thenceforth when a soldier forgot to salute,
Von Beers would use kindness instead of his boot.
And he lectured a laggard he’d rather have shot,
If a newspaper man chanced to be on the spot.

If a sentinel, smoking, he happened to catch,
Instead of a hiding he gave him a match.
A caress took the place of a clout on the ear,
That is, when a war correspondent was near.

He distributed photos of Godfearing Huns
Feeding babies with Beef Broth, Bananas and Buns,
And snapshots of Willie that caught his gay glance
And others depicting him weeping for France.

The fame of Von Hofbrau spread over the land,
And rich Lady nurses proposed for his hand,

And the Kaiser, All Highest, ’mid deafening tears
Pinned a cast-iron Halo on Major Von Beers.