My Son and Heir

I.

My mother bids me bind my heir,
But not the trade where I should bind;
To place a boy--the how and where--
It is the plague of parent-kind!

II.

She does not hint the slightest plan,
Nor what indentures to endorse;
Whether to bind him to a man,--
Or, like Mazeppa, to a horse.

III.

What line to choose of likely rise,
To something in the Stocks at last,--
"Fast bind, fast find," the proverb cries,
I find I cannot bind so fast!

IV.

A Statesman James can never be;
A Tailor?--there I only learn
His chief concern is cloth, and he
Is always cutting his concern.

V.

A Seedsman?--I'd not have him so;
A Grocer's plum might disappoint;
A Butcher?--no, not that--although
I hear "the times are out of joint!"

VI.

Too many of all trades there be,
Like Pedlars, each has such a pack;
A merchant selling coals?--we see
The buyer send to cellar back.

VII.

A Hardware dealer?--that might please,
But if his trade's foundation leans
On spikes and nails, he won't have ease
When he retires upon his means.

VIII.

A Soldier?--there he has not nerves;
A Sailor seldom lays up pelf:
A Baker?--no, a baker serves
His customer before himself.

IX.

Dresser of hair?--that's not the sort;
A joiner jars with his desire--
A Churchman?--James is very short,
And cannot to a church aspire.

X.

A Lawyer?--that's a hardish term!
A Publisher might give him ease,
If he could into Longman's firm
Just plunge at once "in medias Rees."

XI.

A shop for pot, and pan, and cup,
Such brittle Stock I can't advise;
A Builder running houses up,
Their gains are stories--maybe lies!

XII.

A Coppersmith I can't endure--
Nor petty Usher A, B, C-ing;
A Publican? no father, sure,
Would be the author of his being!

XIII.

A Paper-maker?--come he must
To rags before he sells a sheet--
A Miller?--all his toil is just
To make a meal--he does not eat.

XIV.

A Currier?--that by favour goes--
A Chandler gives me great misgiving--
An Undertaker?--one of those
That do not hope to get their living!

XV.

Three Golden Balls?--I like them not;
An Auctioneer I never did--
The victim of a slavish lot,
Obliged to do as he is bid!

XVI.

A Broker watching fall and rise
Of Stock?--I'd rather deal in stone,--
A Printer?--there his toils comprise
Another's work beside his own.

XVII.

A Cooper?--neither I nor Jem
Have any taste or turn for that,--
A fish-retailer?--but with him,
One part of trade is always flat.

XVIII.

A Painter?--long he would not live,--
An Artist's a precarious craft--
In trade Apothecaries give,
But very seldom take, a draught.

XIX.

A Glazier?--what if he should smash!
A Crispin he shall not be made--
A Grazier may be losing cash,
Although he drives a "roaring trade."

XX.

Well, something must be done! to look
On all my little works around--
James is too big a boy, like book,
To leave upon the shelf unbound.

XXI.

But what to do?--my temples ache
From evening's dew till morning's pearl,
What course to take my boy to make--
Oh could I make my boy--a girl!