A Charity Sermon

I'm an extremely charitable man--no collar and long hair, though a little carrotty;
Demure, half-inclined to the unknown tongues, but I never gain'd anything by Charity.
I got a little boy into the Foundling, but his unfortunate mother was traced and baited,
And the overseers found her out--and she found me out--and the child was affiliated.
Oh, Charity will come home to roost--
Like curses and chickens is Charity.

I once, near Whitehall's very old wall, when ballads danced over the whole of it,
Put a bad five-shilling-piece into a beggar's hat, but the old hat had got a hole in it;
And a little boy caught it in his little hat, and an officer's eye seem'd to care for it,
As my bad crown piece went through his bad crown piece, and they took me up to Queen's Square for it.
Oh, Charity, &c.

I let my very old (condemn'd) old house to a man, at a rent that was shockingly low,
So I found a roof for his ten motherless babes--all defunct and fatherless now;
For the plaguy one-sided party wall fell in, so did the roof, on son and daughter,
And twelve jurymen sat on eleven bodies, and brought in a very personal verdict of Manslaughter.
Oh, Charity, &c.

I pick'd up a young well-dress'd gentleman, who had fallen in a fit in St. Martin's Court,
And charitably offer'd to see him home--for charity always seem'd to be my forte,
And I've had presents for seeing fallen gentlemen home, but this was a very unlucky
job--
Do you know, he got my watch--my purse--and my handkerchief--for it was one of
the swell mob.
Oh, Charity, &c.

Being four miles from Town, I stopt a horse that had run away with a man, when it
seem'd that
they must be dash'd to pieces,
Though several kind people were following him with all their might--but such
following a horse his speed increases;
I held the horse while he went to recruit his strength; and I meant to ride it
home, of course;
But the crowd came up and took me up--for it turn'd out the man had run away with
the horse.
Oh, Charity, &c.

I watch'd last month all the drovers and drivers about the suburbs, for it's a
positive fact,
That I think the utmost penalty ought always to be enforced against everybody
under Mr. Martin's act;
But I couldn't catch one hit over the horns, or over the shins, or on the ears,
or over the head;
And I caught a rheumatism from early wet hours, and got five weeks of ten swell'd
fingers in bed.
Oh, Charity, &c.

Well, I've utterly done with Charity, though I used so to preach about its
finest fount;
Charity may do for some that are more lucky, but I can't turn it to any account--
It goes so the very reverse way--even if one chirrups it up with a dust of piety;
That henceforth let it be understood, I take my name entirely out of the List
of Subscribers to the Humane Society.
Oh, Charity, &c.