Satires 1.5 (Creech): Egressum Magna

FRom stately Rome I walkt a little way,
And reacht Aricia first, and there I lay;
My Company as good as Man could seek,
The Lawyer Heliodore a Learned Greek:
Then Forum Apii, that's a paltry Town,
With Tars and Pedlars throng'd, and those alone;
We made two days on't hither, tho most but one;
For to quick Travellers 'tis a tedious road,
But if you walk but slow 'tis pretty good:
Here 'cause the water did corrode the Tast,
And hurt the Stomach, I resolv'd to fast;
And envy'd those that Sup't, now Night appears
And o're the Heaven spreads shades, and twinkling Stars:
And then the Boys and Tars began to roar,
A Boat, a Boat, so ho, you Son of a Whore,
Pox, Thou wilt sink the Boat, enough, no more:
And whilst They take the Fare we were to pay,
And tye the Mule, a whole hour slips away:
The Boat was full of Fleas, and those molest,
And croaking Frogs all night disturb'd our rest:
The Mule-man and the Boat-man sate up late,
Both drunk, and sang a Catch of merry Kate:
At last the weary Mule-man rolls to Bed,
With fiery Eyes, swoln Guts, and aking head:
The Boat-man too resolv'd to work no more,
But ty'd his Mule to graze along the shore,
Then fell asleep, and there all night doth snore:
And now the Sun climb'd o're the Eastern Hill,
And show'd the Day, but yet our Boat stood still;
Till one, a surly fellow, leapt from far,
And back and side He cudgel'd drowzy Tar:
This made him work and follow our Command,
And so at ten a Clock we came to Land:
Feronia was the place, and there we Dine;
Thence three miles farther to another Inn:
My kind Mecaenas was to meet me there,
With good Cocceius sent on great Affair,
On Embassies, 'twas their delightful toyl
To make new Friends, and Enemies reconcile:
And here because my travelling did inflame,
I drest my Eyes, mean while Mecaenas came,
Cocceius, Capito, and Fronto—
That Fronto delicate in mind and face,
And great with Antony as any was:
At little Fundi we refus'd to bait,
But laught at proud Aufidiu's Pomp and State;
A Scrivener lately, now with Mace and Gown
He huffs, and proudly Lords it o're the Town:
To Formiae next; There Capito meat affords,
Murena Lodging, so we liv'd like Lords:
The next day was a happy joyful day,
For then at Sinuessa on our way,
Plotinus, Virgil, Varius too attends,
All worthy Men, and my obliging Friends:
Oh how did we embrace! What shouts we gave!
A Friend's the dearest thing a Man can have:
Next night near Campan's Bridge our Stage was good,
And there we Lodg'd, and as the Custom stood
The Villagers presented Salt and Wood:
Next Stage was Capua, there we made a stay,
We came betimes, Mecaenas went to play,
Virgil and I to Bed, my Eyes were sore,
His stomach sick, and so we both forbore:
And next we reach't Cocceius Farm at night;
A pleasant Seat, and stor'd with all delight:
But now assist my Muse, and now relate
How two base fellows quarrell'd, and for what:
But first their Pedigree; the generous, brave,
And valiant Messius was a Noble Knave,
An Oscian born; Sarmentus was a Slave:
Thus nobly born these Two, and nobly bred
Began the Brawl, And first Sarmentus said,
Faith Messius Thou art like an untam'd Horse;
We laugh; Well, well, says Messius, take your Course,
And shakes his head; Oh were thy horns not gone,
How thou wouldst push, since now when thou hast none
Thou threatnest so? but that's a scurvy place,
Those plaguy Scars thy brisly front disgrace.
And then breaks many a jest upon his face:
On every Pimple, and on every Wart,
And bids him Mimick Polyphem; No Art,
No Vizor thou dost need, for thou art rough,
And Nature's given Thee ugliness enough.
This Messius stomachs, and replies again,
Well, Sir, when will you Consecrate the Chain
You vow'd the Lares? now you're mighty proud,
A Scribe, yet still your Ladies claim is good:
But why I wonder should'st Thou run away?
A poor thin-gutted Rogue; sure he might stay
That feasted on an half-penny Loaf a day.
This made our Supper pleasant, thence we rod
To Beneventum, there our Inn was good:
But whilst our sedulous Host makes too much hast
To roast our Meat, and makes too strong a blast,
He had almost been burnt, the Chimny fir'd,
And flames as hungry to the Roofs aspir'd:
Then hungry We, and all our Servants came
To save the Meat and House, and quench the flame:
Next day the known Appulian Mountains rise,
Which hot Atabulus scorches as He flies:
To pass these Hills had prov'd too great a toyl,
But small Trevicum gave us rest a while,
We staid, quite blinded in a smoaky house,
For all They had to burn was leaves and boughs:
Here I poor Noddy half the night or more
Expected a sorsworn, a jilting Whore,
At last dull sleep did blunt my keen desire,
His lazy hand spread o're, and check't my fire:
But then some wanton Dreams, too loose to tell,
Supply'd her place, and did the feat as well:
Thence four and twenty Miles in four hours time,
To a small place whose name wo'nt stand in Rhyme:
But yet by Signs 'tis very eas'ly known:
First then, the Water's scarce o're all the Town;
The cheapest Thing that Nature hath bestow'd
Here's dearly sold; the Bread is very good:
This oft the wary Traveller approves,
And when He parts, He fills his Bag with Loaves:
For none Canusium yields but gristy Bread,
This Town was built by Valiant Diomed,
The Nymphs averse, 'tis like the former, poor,
Nor can it boast one Quart of Water more:
Here Varius left us, but appear'd to be
Concern'd to part, and all as much as He:
Next night we reach't to Rubi, there we lay,
All very weary, for the tedious way
Was dirty, and besides it rain'd all day:
Next Morn the Sky was fair, the Weather good
As far as Bari's Town, but worse the Road:
Here we had sport enough, and cause to smile,
For some that would our easie Faith beguile,
Would needs perswade that in their Sacred Quire
Sweet Incence burns without the help of fire:
Ay, let the Jews believe it if they please,
Not I, I know the Gods must live at ease:
Nor when strong Nature doth some wonders show,
Can I believe They meddle here below:
Hence to Brundusium, there I left my Friends,
And so my Story and my Journey Ends.