Satires 2.4 (Fairclough)

HORACE. Whence and whither, Catius?

CATIUS. I have no time to stop, so keen am I to make a record of some new rules, such as will surpass Pythagoras, and the sage whom Anytus accused, and the learned Plato.

HOR. I confess my fault in thus breaking in on you at an awkward moment, but kindly pardon me, I pray. If aught has slipped from you now, you will soon recover it; whether your memory is due to nature or to art, in either case you are a marvel.

CAT. Nay, I was just thinking how to keep all in mind, for it was a subtle theme handled in subtle style.

HOR. Tell me the man’s name, whether he is a Roman or a stranger.

CAT. The rules themselves I will recite from memory; the professor’s name must be withheld.

Give good heed to serve eggs of an oblong shape, for they have a better flavour and are whiter than the round; they are firm and enclose a male yoke. Cabbage grown on dry lands is sweeter than from farms near the city; nothing is more tasteless than a watered garden’s produce.

If a friend suddenly drops in upon you of an evening, and you fear that a tough fowl may answer ill to his taste, you will be wise to plunge it alive into diluted Falernian: this will make it tender.

Mushrooms from the meadows are best; others are not to be trusted.

A man will pass his summers in health, who will finish his luncheon with black mulberries which he has picked from the tree before the sun is trying.

Aufidius used to mix his honey with strong Falernian—unwisely; for when the veins are empty one should admit nothing to them that is not mild. With mild mead you will do better to flood the stomach. If the bowels be costive, limpet and common shell-fish will dispel the trouble, or low-growing sorrel—but not without white Coan wine.

New moons swell the slippery shell-fish, but it is not every sea that yields the choicest kind. The Lucrine mussel is better than the Baian cockle. Oysters come from Circeii, sea-urchins from Misenum, luxurious Tarentum plumes herself on her broad scallops.

It is not everyone that may lightly claim skill in the dining art, without first mastering the subtle theory of flavours. Nor is it enough to sweep up fish from the expensive stall, not knowing which are better with sauce, and which, if broiled, will tempt the tired guest to raise himself once more upon his elbow.

From Umbria, fed on holm-oak acorns, comes the boar that makes the round dish bend, when the host would shun tasteless meat; for the Laurentian is a poor beast, being fattened on sedge and reeds. Roes bred in a vineyard are not always eatable. The connoisseur will crave the wings of a hare when in young. As to fish and fowl, what their qualities and age should be is a question never made clear to any palate before mine.

Some there are whose talent lies only in finding new sweets; ’tis by no means enough to spend all one’s care on a single point—just as if someone were anxious only that his wines be good, but cared not what oil he poured upon his fish.

If you set Massic wine beneath a cloudless sky, all its coarseness will be toned down by the night air, and the scent, unfriendly to the nerves, will pass off; but the same wine, when strained through linen, is spoiled, losing its full flavour. Surrentine wine a knowing man mixes with lees of Falernian, and carefully collects the sediment with pigeons’ eggs, for the yolk sinks to the bottom, carrying with it all foreign matter.

A jaded drinker you will rouse afresh by fried prawns and African snails; for after wine lettuce rises on the acid stomach. By ham and by sausages rather does it crave to be pricked and freshened. Nay, it would prefer any viands brought smoking hot from untidy cookshops.

It is worth while to study well the nature of the compound sauce. The simple consists of sweet olive oil, which should be mixed with thick wine and with brine, such as that of which your Byzantine jar smells so strong. When this, mixed with chopped herbs, has been boiled, and, after being sprinkled with Corycian saffron, has been left to stand, you are to add besides some of the juice yielded by the pressed berry of the Venafran olive.

Apples from Tibur yield to the Picenian in flavour, but in look are finer. The Venuculan grape suits the preserving jar; the Alban you had better dry in the smoke. This last you will find that I was the first to serve round the board with apples, as I was the first to serve up wine-lees and caviare, white pepper and black salt sifted on to dainty little dishes. It is a monstrous sin to spend three thousand on the fish market, and then to cramp those roving fishes in a narrow dish. It strongly turns the stomach, if a slave has handled the drinking cup with hands greasy from licking stolen snacks; or if vile mould clings to your ancient bowl. Common brooms, napkins, and sawdust, how little do they cost! But if neglected, how shocking is the scandal! To think of your sweeping mosaic pavements with a dirty palm-broom, or putting unwashed coverlets over Tyrian tapestries, forgetting that the less care and cost these things involve, the more just is blame for their neglect than for things which only the tables of the rich can afford!

HOR. O learned Catius, by our friendship and by the gods I beg you, remember to take me to a lecture, wherever you go to one. For however faithful the memory with which you tell me all, yet as merely reporting you cannot give me the same pleasure. And there is the man’s look and bearing! You think little of having seen him, lucky fellow, because you have had that good fortune, but I have no slight longing to be able to draw near to the sequestered fountains, and to drink in the rules for living happily.