A Deprecation of the Name of John

Were I some fifteen years younger or twenty,
Master Gandolfo, I'd unbaptize myself,
On purpose not to be called John. I never
Can do a single thing in the way of business,
Nor set out fast enough from my own door,
But half-a-dozen people are calling after me ;
Though, when I turn, it isn't me ; such crowds
Are issuing forth, nam'd John, at the same moment.

'Tis downright insult ; a mere public scandal.
Clergymen, lawyers, pedants, — not a soul,
Bat his name's John. You shall not see a face.
Looking like what it is, a simpleton's —
Barber's, porkman's, or tooth-drawer's, — but the fellow,
Seems by his look to be a John, — and is one !
I verily think, that the first man who cried
Boil'd apples or maccaroni, was a John ;
And so was he who found out roasted chestnuts,
And how to eat cucumbers, and new cheese.
By heavens ! I'd rather be a German ; nay,
I'd almost said a Frenchman ; nay, a Jew,
And be called Matthew, or Bartholomew,
Or some such beast, — or Simon. Really people
Who christen people, ought to pause a little.
And think what they're about. — O you who love me.
Don't call me John, for God's sake ; or at least.
If you must call me so, call it me softly ;
For as to mentioning the name out loud.
You might as well call after one like a dog, —
Whistle, and snap your fingers, and cry, " Here, boy."
Think of the name of John upon a title-page !
It damns the book at once ; and reasonably :
People no sooner see it, than they conclude
They've read the work before. — Oh I must say
My father made a pretty business of it,
Calling me John ! me, 'faith — his eldest son !
Heir to his — poverty ! Why there 's not a writ,
But nine times out of ten, is serv'd on John,
And what still more annoys me, not a bill :
Your promiser to pay is always John.

Some people fondly make the word a compound,
And get some other name to stand its friend,
Christening the hapless devil John- Antony,
John-Peter, or John-Baptist, or John-Charles : -
There's even John-Barnard, and John-Martin ! — Oh,
See if the other name likes his society !

It never does, humour it as you will.
Change it, diminish it, call it Johnny, or Jacky,
Or Jack, 'tis always a sore point, — a wound ;—
Shocking, if left alone, — and worse, if touch'd.