An Alliterative Description of an Alliterative Bard

As in the gutter struts the carrion crow,
So stalks, in sable state, stiff, solemn, slow,
Writhing his wriggling rump from side to side,
In all the pimping pomp of priestly pride,
Pert parson—, poet, pedant, prig;
No bard so bright, no bachelor so big!
Far-fam'd for frippery, frothy, futile fun;
Peerless at puerile repartee and pun;
By nature, niggling, niggardly, and nice;
By art, pragmatic, primitive, precise;
A simpering sinner, simple-seeming saint;
Queer, quackish, quibbling, querulous and quaint;
So fine, so finicking, so deft, so feat
His numbers soft, his style so silver-sweet!
Hence flush'd with fancied gifts from all the graces,
He boasts their favours, tho unseen their faces;
While, self-sufficient, in fantastic strains,
He vents th' Effusions of his barren brains;
Scribbles the senseless, sentimental tale
Of mincing minx in Mes'potamia's vale;
Publicly prostitutes preposterous praise,
In languid, labour'd, lulling, lying lays;
Pens penny-pilfering puffs for paultry pay,
And gives egregious egotisms away;
With bare-fac'd eulogies himself addresses;
Vaunting, each muse the virtuous bard caresses.
Vamping vile verses, vapid, vague, jejune,
He rings his jingling chimes, to time and tune,
Or decks in plunder'd plumes, and sets to sale,
His green-goose waddling with a peacock's tail;
Poor plagiary! tho' pitiful, yet proud,
Scorning to stop till stop-thief's cried aloud;
Friend to the faithful, formal, starch and shy,
He sneers with scepticks, shrewd, severe and sly,
Or, coaxing doubting deists to believe,
Laughs at each credulous christian in his sleeve;
Forges, forsooth, fanatic fribbling letters,
And plays the critick on the bards, his betters;
In fulminations by bell, book, and taper,
Anath'matizes harmless ink and paper,
And contumeliously, with captious curses,
Damns blund'ring blockheads bawling bell-men's verses;
While thus, to crude caprice a carping tool,
He, spite of scripture, calls his brother, fool:
Power, name and fame, mean time, he knows to prize,
Nor thinks he e'er can stoop too low, to rise!
Subservient hence, to give offence in fear,
He censures nought by prelate wrote, or peer;
But servile, sneaking, trimming, meek and mean,
Veers with each wind, and shifts with every scene:
By venal views thus set his virtues blazing,
He says and does what's really most amazing,
Kisses foul J—ns—n's breech, and, on like plan,
Calls, Gl—st—r's bishop a fine gentleman;
Says lean lord L—t—lt—n (such lies he'll tell ye)
Keeps all the Nine in that lank sheath, his belly;
Treats Alma mater like a common whore;
Vow's B—te's a whig, and Scotland is not poor!
Slights Churchill's muse whilst Ogilvie and Home,
With him, excell the bards of Greece and Rome.
But is not he, who thus can act and write,
A coxcomb, sycophant, and hypocrite?