Renunciation

Here in my sheltering arms at rest she lies,
Her head upon my shoulder, and one hand
About my neck; sleep has sealed fast her eyes.
The pensive twilight gathers round the land,
The first star ventures forth into the skies.
The air is gentle, and the month is May,
And peaceful is the death of the fair day;
And with the dying day my life's hope dies, —
It sinks, it sets, — and then alone I stand.

How breathes she, like a little child at rest!
Above her brown hair's warmth I lean my face.
Ah me! the day when first my glad lips pressed
Her answering lips, and in a long embrace
I felt against my own her throbbing breast!
First day of love, first gathered fruit of bliss, —
O day made memorable by the first kiss,
Pressure of hands, sweet secret things confessed!
Art thou not holy, day above all days?

O Love! between that first kiss and this last
How many kisses were, — how sweet they were!
Still, Love, within my arms I hold you fast,
My tears and kisses fall upon your hair;
Your sleep and this brief hour will soon be past.
Then shall my heart grow strong in its endeavor;
Then shall I put you from my arms forever.
Saying, " We part, we part, and the wild blast
Sweeps over all my life, and life lies bare."

Indeed I know you thought you loved me, sweet;
You pitied me, and loved my love of you;
In all I said you heard my heart's swift beat.
"This heart that loves me so is warm and true,
A flower to wear, not trample 'neath my feet," —
Thus to yourself you thought, that dear, dead day.
We sitting in the twilight still and gray,
Your hands in mine. When hands of lovers meet.
Not long, O Love, before the lips meet, too.

Because my kisses thrilled your eager blood,
I thought I found love in your ardent kiss,
And said, " She loves! " 'T was but your womanhood,
With all its great capacities for bliss.
Without a word, in time I understood, —
You did not love me, though I saw you strove
To think you were returning love for love.
O my beloved, so passionately wooed.
In your new freedom, sweet, forget not this, —

That he who loves you gives you liberty
And joy transcendent, when the rightful lover,
Predestined by mysterious powers to be
Heart of your heart, the days at length discover.
Then, fast in Love's divine captivity.
In twilights like this twilight, or some night
When earth lies still beneath the moon's large light,
Think then a little, not untenderly.
Of one who walks where only sad ghosts hover.

About my life strange winds begin to rouse, —
I hear strange voices call me from afar;
Outside the moonbeams rain through moveless boughs.
And heaven grows stronger with each confident star.
God's very peace encompasses the house;
But what have I to do with peace or Heaven?
To the outer seas let my lone bark be driven:
One last kiss laid on mouth and fair broad brows.
Then let me go where storm and shipwreck are.