Silvae IV.9 (Mozley): Lines Written in Jest to Plotius Grypus

Yours was indeed a jest, Grypus, to send me a book in return for a book! And yet even that may seem graceful, if after it you send me something worth having; for if, Grypus, you keep on with such jests, they are jests no longer. Look, we can reckon the account. Mine, painted purple, its paper new, adorned with two knobs, cost me, besides my own trouble, well, certainly a ten-a-piece! Yours, moth-eaten and mouldering, like those that are soaked by Libyan olives, or wrap up incense or pepper from the Nile, or cultivate the Byzantine tunny; not containing even your own youthful speeches that you thundered at the three Courts or the Hundred Judges, before Germanicus placed the obedient corn-supply under your control, or put you in charge of the posts on all the roads, but the mumblings of ancient Brutus out of a wretched book-peddler’s case, that cost you, roughly shall we say, an as of Gaius—that was your present! Were there then no more felt caps stitched together from rags of tunics, no towels or faded napkins? no writing-paper, or Theban dates, or Carian figs? nowhere a bunch of plums or Syrian figs packed in a collapsible case? no dry wicks or cast-off jackets of onions? no eggs even, or fine flour, or coarse spelt? not the slimy shell of a curving snail that had strayed far on the Cinyphian plains? no rancid fat or gristly ham? no sausage, no tough haggis? no salt, no pickle, no cheese? or cakes of green saltpetre? or raisin-wine boiled grapes and all? or must made muddy by sweet lees? How unkind, not to give me smelly candles, or a knife, or a tiny notebook! Pray, could you not have sent some tinned grapes, or some plates turned on the wheel at Cumae? or even one set—why do you start?—of white cups and pots? No, like a fair dealer with a correct scale, you dock nothing, but give me exactly equal weight. But look! I get up betimes, feeling rather queasy, and bring you my morning greeting: are you to return it at my house? you have regaled me with a luxurious feast: do you expect a similar repast yourself? I am angry with you, Grypus! However, farewell! only do not with your usual wit send me back gibing verses by return of post!