Nobody and Nothing

A Story, or Song, you have left to my choice,
For one I've no Humour, for t'other no Voice;
In attempting a Tune I like Nobody bawl,
And as to a Mimic I'm nothing at all.

The wrinkl'd-cheek Critic, call'd 'Squire Syntaxis,
Pedantical Speaking wou'd bring into practice,
With Classical Gabble may wink and may sneer,
And beg I wou'd make the thing Nothing appear.

For Schoolmasters conjugate derivate stuff,
I speak to be understood, that is enough;
The Phrase of like Nobody they may condemn,
But as I sing nothing, 'tis nothing to them.

Now as to this Nobody I dare to say,
Altho' we see Somebody always in play;
And sometimes that something may somehow be shewn,
Yet Nobody only must many Things own.

The Public is pester'd with many gay forms,
Like Butterflies, springing from Grubs and from Worms;
Those well-dress'd Necessities daily we view,
In Nobody's bus'ness with nothing to do.

They've nothing to think on, they've nothing to say,
Nobody's all night, and just nothing all day;
At nothing they laugh, and at nothing they cry,
And Nobody cares how they live or they dye.

'Tis Nobody only can guess the Game play'd,
When Nobody's by, betwixt Master and Maid;
Unless Indiscretion shou'd alter their plan,
Nobody knows nothing 'twixt Mistress and Man.

The Romp too ripe grown, unless gather'd a Spouse,
Will fall, the first shake, from weak Chastity's boughs;
Dear Captain, she whispers, somebody will hear us,
Dear Miss, whispers he, there is Nobody near us.

But when she's betray'd by her Passion, to Shame,
And Parents and Guardians begin with their blame;
Who, I Sir?—not I Sir!—no! Honour forbid it,
If I am with Child, it was NOBODY did it.

The tread of Gallant by Cornuto is heard,
On tiptoe the Lover from rendezvous scar'd;
Who's there? starts the Husband, 'tis Thieves that I hear,
But Wife pats his cheek, and lisps, Nobody! dear.

Any-body may say, if they please, I am wrong,
Ev'ry-body find Fault, if they please, with my Song;
But careful lest somebody we shou'd offend,
I with Nothing began, and with Nobody end.