The Philosopher's Scales

In days of yore, as Gothic fable tells,
When learning dimly gleamed from grated cells,
When wild Astrology's distorted eye
Shunned the fair field of true philosophy,
And wandering through the depths of mental night,
Sought dark predictions 'mid the worlds of light :—
When curious Alchymy, with puzzled brow,
Attempted things that Science laughs at now,
Losing the useful purpose she consults,
In vain chimeras and unknown results :—
In those grey times there lived a reverend sage,
Whose wisdom shed its lustre on the age.
A monk he was, immured in cloistered walls,
Where now the ivy'd ruin crumbling falls.
'Twas a profound seclusion that he chose ;
The noisy world disturbed not that repose ;
The flow of murmuring waters, day by day,
And whistling winds that forced their tardy way
Through reverend trees, of ages growth, that made
Around the holy pile a deep monastic shade ;
The chanted psalm, or solitary prayer—
Such were the sounds that broke the silence there.
'Twas here, when his rites sacerdotal were o'er,
In the depth of his cell with its stone-covered floor ;
Resigning to thought his chimerical brain,
He formed the contrivance we now shall explain ;
But whether by magic or alchymy's powers,
We know not, indeed 'tis no business of ours :
Perhaps it was only by patience and care,
At last that he brought his invention to bear.
In youth 'twas projected ; but years stole away,
And ere 'twas complete he was wrinkled and grey ;
But success is secure unless energy fails ;
And at length he produced The Philosopher's Scales.

What were they ?— you ask : you shall presently see ;
These scales were not made to weigh sugar and tea ;
O no ;—for such properties wondrous had they,
That qualities, feelings, and thoughts they could weigh ;
Together with articles small or immense,
From mountains or planets, to atoms of sense :
Nought was there so bulky, but there it could lay ;
And nought so ethereal, but there it would stay ;
And nought so reluctant, but in it must go ;
All which some examples more clearly will show.

The first thing he tried was the head of Voltaire,
Which retained all the wit that had ever been there ;
As a weight, he threw in a torn scrap of a leaf,
Containing the prayer of the penitent thief ;
When the skull rose aloft with so sudden a spell,
As to bound like a ball on the roof of the cell.

Next time he put in Alexander the Great,
With a garment that Dorcas had made—for a weight ;
And though clad in armour from sandals to crown,
The hero rose up, and the garment went down.

A long row of alms houses, amply endowed,
By a well-esteemed pharisee, busy and proud,
Now loaded one scale, while the other was prest
By those mites the poor widow dropped into the chest ;—
Up flew the endowment, not weighing an ounce,
And down, down, the farthing's worth came with a bounce.

Again, he performed an experiment rare ;
A monk, with austerities bleeding and bare,
Climbed into his scale ; in the other was laid
The heart of our Howard, now partly decayed ;
When he found, with surprise, that the whole of his brother
Weighed less, by some pounds, than this bit of the other.

By further experiments (no matter how)
He found that ten chariots weighed less than one plough.
A sword, with gilt trappings, rose up in the scale,
Though balanced by only a ten-penny nail :
A shield and a helmet, a buckler and spear,
Weighed less than a widow's uncrystallized tear.
A lord and a lady went up at full sail,
When a bee chanced to light on the opposite scale.
Ten doctors, ten lawyers, two courtiers, one earl,
Ten counsellor's wigs full of powder and curl,
All heaped in one balance, and swinging from thence,
Weighed less than some atoms of candour and sense ;—
A first-water diamond, with brilliants begirt,
Than one good potato, just washed from the dirt ;
Yet, not mountains of silver and gold would suffice,
One pearl to outweigh—'twas the "pearl of great price."

At last the whole world was bowled in at the grate ;
With the soul of a beggar to serve for a weight,
When the former sprang up with so strong a rebuff,
That it made a vast rent, and escaped at the roof ;
Whence, balanced in air, it ascended on high,
And sailed up aloft, a balloon in the sky ;
While the scale with the soul in, so mightily fell,
That it jerked the philosopher out of his cell.

MORAL.

Dear reader, if e'er self-deception prevails,
We pray you to try The Philosopher's Scales :
But if they are lost in the ruins around,
Perhaps a good substitute thus may be found :—
Let judgment and conscience in circles be cut,
To which strings of thought may be carefully put :
Let these be made even with caution extreme,
And impartiality use for a beam :
Then bring those good actions which pride overrates,
And tear up your motives to serve for the weights.