Lines 733–910

STREPSIADES.
No, nothing.

SOCRATES.
Surely, something,

STREPSIADES.
Well, I had something in my hand, I’ll own.

SOCRATES.
Pull up the clothes again, and go on pondering.

STREPSIADES.
On what? now do please tell me, Socrates.

SOCRATES.
What is it that you want? first tell me that.

STREPSIADES.
You have heard a million times what ’tis I want:
My debts! my debts! I want to shirk my debts.

SOCRATES.
Come, come, pull up the clothes: refine your thoughts
With subtle wit: look at the case on all sides:
Mind you divide correctly.

STREPSIADES.
Ugh! O me.

SOCRATES.
Hush: if you meet with any difficulty
Leave it a moment: then return again
To the same thought: then lift and weigh it well.

STREPSIADES.
Oh, here, dear Socrates!

SOCRATES.
Well, my old friend.

STREPSIADES.
I’ve found a notion how to shirk my debts.

SOCRATES.
Well then, propound it.

STREPSIADES.
What do you think of this?
Suppose I hire some grand Thessalian witch
To conjure down the Moon, and then I take it
And clap it into some round helmet-box,
And keep it fast there, like a looking-glass,—

SOCRATES.
But what’s the use of that?

STREPSIADES.
The use, quotha:
Why if the Moon should never rise again,
I’d never pay one farthing.

SOCRATES.
No! why not?

STREPSIADES.
Why, don’t we pay our interest by the month?

SOCRATES.
Good! now I’ll proffer you another problem.
Suppose an action: damages, five talents:
Now tell me how you can evade that same.

STREPSIADES.
How! how! can’t say at all: but I’ll go seek.

SOCRATES.
Don’t wrap your mind for ever round yourself,
But let your thoughts range freely through the air,
Like chafers with a thread about their feet.

STREPSIADES.
I’ve found a bright evasion of the action:
Confess yourself, ’tis glorious.

SOCRATES.
But what is it?

STREPSIADES.
I say, haven’t you seen in druggists’ shops
That stone, that splendidly transparent stone,
By which they kindle fire?

SOCRATES.
The burning-glass?

STREPSIADES.
That’s it: well then, I’d get me one of these,
And as the clerk was entering down my case,
I’d stand, like this, some distance towards the sun,
And burn out every line.

SOCRATES.
By the Three Graces,
A clever dodge!

STREPSIADES.
O me, how pleased I am
To have a debt like that clean blotted out.

SOCRATES.
Come, then, make haste and snap up this.

STREPSIADES.
Well, what?

SOCRATES.
How to prevent an adversary’s suit
Supposing you were sure to lose it; tell me.

STREPSIADES.
O, nothing easier.

SOCRATES.
How, pray?

STREPSIADES.
Why thus,
While there was yet one trial intervening,
Ere mine was cited, I’d go hang myself.

SOCRATES.
Absurd!

STREPSIADES.
No, by the Gods, it isn’t though:
They could not prosecute me were I dead.

SOCRATES.
Nonsense! Be off: I’ll try no more to teach you.

STREPSIADES.
Why not? do, please: now, please do, Socrates.

SOCRATES.
Why you forget all that you learn, directly.
Come, say what you learnt first: there’s a chance for you.

STREPSIADES.
Ah! what was first?—Dear me: whatever was it?—
Whatever’s that we knead the barley in?—
Bless us, what was it?

SOCRATES.
Be off, and feed the crows,
You most forgetful, most absurd old dolt!

STREPSIADES.
O me! what will become of me, poor wretch!
I’m clean undone: I haven’t learnt to speak.—
O gracious Clouds, now do advise me something.

CHORUS.
Our counsel, ancient friend, is simply this,
To send your son, if you have one at home,
And let him learn this wisdom in your stead.

STREPSIADES.
Yes! I’ve a son, quite a fine gentleman:
But he won’t learn, so what am I to do?

CHORUS.
What! is he master?

STREPSIADES.
Well: he’s strong and vigorous,
And he’s got some of the Coesyra blood within him:
Still I’ll go for him, and if he won’t come
By all the Gods I’ll turn him out of doors.
Go in one moment, I’ll be back directly.

CHORUS.
Dost thou not see how bounteous we our favours free
Will shower on you,
Since whatsoe’er your will prepare
This dupe will do.
But now that you have dazzled and
elated so your man,
Make haste and seize whate’er you please
as quickly as you can,
For cases such as these, my friend,
are very prone to change and bend.

STREPSIADES.
Get out! you shan’t stop here: so help me Mist!
Be off, and eat up Megacles’s columns.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
How now, my father? what’s i’ the wind to-day?
You’re wandering; by Olympian Zeus, you are.

STREPSIADES.
Look there! Olympian Zeus! you blockhead you,
Come to your age, and yet believe in Zeus!

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Why prithee, what’s the joke?

STREPSIADES.
’Tis so preposterous
When babes like you hold antiquated notions.
But come and I’ll impart a thing or two,
A wrinkle, making you a man indeed.
But, mind: don’t whisper this to any one.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Well, what’s the matter?

STREPSIADES.
Didn’t you swear by Zeus?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
I did.

STREPSIADES.
See now, how good a thing is learning,
There is no Zeus, Pheidippides.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Who then?

STREPSIADES.
Why Vortex reigns, and he has turned out Zeus.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Oh me, what stuff.

STREPSIADES.
Be sure that this is so.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Who says so, pray?

STREPSIADES.
The Melian—Socrates,
And Chaerephon, who knows about the flea-tracks,

PHEIDIPPIDES.
And are you come to such a pitch of madness
As to put faith in brain-struck men?

STREPSIADES.
O hush!
And don’t blaspheme such very dexterous men
And sapient too: men of such frugal habits
They never shave, nor use your precious ointment,
Nor go to baths to clean themselves: but you
Have taken me for a corpse and cleaned me out.
Come, come, make haste, do go and learn for me.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
What can one learn from them that is worth knowing?

STREPSIADES.
Learn! why, whatever’s clever in the world:
And you shall learn how gross and dense you are.
But stop one moment: I’ll be back directly.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
O me! what must I do with my mad father?
Shall I indict him for his lunacy,
Or tell the undertakers of his symptoms?

STREPSIADES.
Now then! you see this, don’t you? what do you call it?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
That? why a fowl.

STREPSIADES.
Good! now then, what is this?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
That’s a fowl too.

STREPSIADES.
What both! Ridiculous!
Never say that again, but mind you always
Call this a fowless and the other a fowl.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
A fowless! These then are the mighty secrets
You have picked up amongst those earth-born fellows.

STREPSIADES.
And lots besides: but everything I learn
I straight forget: I am so old and stupid.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
And this is what you have lost your mantle for?

STREPSIADES.
It’s very absent sometimes: ’tisn’t lost.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
And what have you done with your shoes, you dotard you?

STREPSIADES.
Like Pericles, all for the best, I’ve lost them.
Come, come; go with me: humour me in this,
And then do what you like. Ah! I remember
How I to humour you, a coaxing baby,
With the first obol which my judgeship fetched me
Bought you a go-cart at the great Diasia.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
The time will come when you’ll repent of this.

STREPSIADES.
Good boy to obey me. Hallo! Socrates,
Come here; come here; I’ve brought this son of mine,
Trouble enough, I’ll warrant you.

SOCRATES.
Poor infant,
Not yet aware of my suspension-wonders.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
You’d make a wondrous piece of ware, suspended,

STREPSIADES.
Hey! Hang the lad! Do you abuse the Master?

SOCRATES.
And look, “suthspended!” In what foolish fashion
He mouthed the word with pouting lips agape.
How can he learn evasion of a suit,
Timely citation, damaging replies?
Hyperbolus, though, learnt them for a talent.

STREPSIADES.
O never fear! he’s very sharp, by nature.
For when he was a little chap, so high,
He used to build small baby-houses, boats,
Go-carts of leather, darling little frogs
Carved from pomegranates, you can’t think how nicely!
So now, I prithee, teach him both your Logics,
The Better, as you call it, and the Worse
Which with the worse cause can defeat the Better:
Or if not both, at all events the Worse.

SOCRATES.
Aye, with his own ears he shall hear them argue.
I shan’t be there.

STREPSIADES.
But please remember this,
Give him the knack of reasoning down all Justice.

JUST LOGIC.
Come show yourself now
with your confident brow.
—To the stage, if you dare!

UNJUST LOGIC.
“Lead on where you please:”
I shall smash you with ease,
If an audience be there.

JUST LOGIC.
You’ll smash me, you say! And who are you, pray?

UNJUST LOGIC.
A Logic, like you.

JUST LOGIC.
But the Worst of the two.

UNJUST LOGIC.
Yet you I can drub whom my Better they dub.

JUST LOGIC.
By what artifice taught?

UNJUST LOGIC.
By original thought.

JUST LOGIC.
Aye, truly your trade so successful is made.
By means of these noodles of ours, I’m afraid.

UNJUST LOGIC.
Not noodles, but wise.

JUST LOGIC.
I’ll smash you and your lies!

UNJUST LOGIC.
By what method, forsooth?

JUST LOGIC.
By speaking the Truth.

UNJUST LOGIC.
Your words I will meet, and entirely defeat:
There never was Justice or Truth, I repeat.

JUST LOGIC.
No Justice! you say?

UNJUST LOGIC.
Well, where does it stay?

JUST LOGIC.
With the Gods in the air.

UNJUST LOGIC.
If Justice be there,
How comes it that Zeus could his father reduce,
Yet live with their Godships unpunished and loose?

JUST LOGIC.
Ugh! Ugh! These evils come thick,
I feel awfully sick,
A bason, quick, quick!

UNJUST LOGIC.
You’re a useless old drone with one foot in the grave!

JUST LOGIC.
You’re a shameless, unprincipled, dissolute knave!

UNJUST LOGIC.
Hey! a rosy festoon.