Lines 1328–1510

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Thank you: go on, go on: do please go on.
I am quite delighted to be called such names!

STREPSIADES.
O probed Adulterer.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Roses from your lips.

STREPSIADES.
Strike you your father?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
O dear yes: what’s more,
I’ll prove I struck you justly.

STREPSIADES.
Struck me justly!
Villain! how can you strike a father justly?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Yes, and I’ll demonstrate it, if you please.

STREPSIADES.
Demonstrate this?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
O yes, quite easily.
Come, take your choice, which Logic do you choose?

STREPSIADES.
Which what?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Logic: the Better or the Worse?

STREPSIADES.
Ah, then, in very truth I’ve had you taught
To reason down all Justice, if you think
You can prove this, that it is just and right
That fathers should be beaten by their sons!

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Well, well, I think I’ll prove it, if you’ll listen,
So that even you won’t have one word to answer.

STREPSIADES.
Come, I should like to hear what you’ve to say.

CHORUS.
’Tis yours, old man, some method to contrive
This fight to win:
He would not without arms wherewith to strive
So bold have been.
He knows, be sure, whereon to trust.
His eager bearing proves he must.
So come and tell us from what cause
this sad dispute began;
Come, tell us how it first arose:
do tell us if you can,

STREPSIADES.
Well from the very first I will
the whole contention show:
’Twas when I went into the house
to feast him, as you know,
I bade him bring his lyre and sing,
the supper to adorn,
Some lay of old Simonides,
as, how the Ram was shorn:
But he replied, to sing at meals
was coarse and obsolete;
Like some old beldame humming airs
the while she grinds her wheat.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
And should you not be thrashed who told
your son, from food abstaining
To sing! as though you were, forsooth
cicalas entertaining.

STREPSIADES.
You hear him! so he said just now
or e’er high words began:
And next he called Simonides
a very sorry man.
And when I heard him, I could scarce
my rising wrath command;
Yet so I did, and him I bid
take myrtle in his hand
And chant some lines from Aeschylus,
but he replied with ire,
“Believe me, I’m not one of those
who Aeschylus admire,
That rough, unpolished, turgid bard,
that mouther of bombast!”
When he said this, my heart began
to heave extremely fast
Yet still I kept my passion down,
and said, “Then prithee you,
Sing one of those new-fangled songs
which modern striplings do.”
And he began the shameful tale
Euripides has told
How a brother and a sister lived
incestuous lives of old.
Then, then I could no more restrain,
but first I must confess
With strong abuse I loaded him,
and so, as you may guess,
We stormed and bandied threat for threat:
till out at last he flew,
And smashed and thrashed and thumped and bumped
and bruised me black and blue.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
And rightly too, who coolly dared
Euripides to blame,
Most sapient bard.

STREPSIADES.
Most sapient bard!
you, what’s your fitting name?
Ah! but he’ll pummel me again.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
He will: and justly too.

STREPSIADES.
What! justly, heartless villain! when
’twas I who nurtured you.
I knew your little lisping ways,
how soon, you’d hardly think,
If you cried “bree!” I guessed your wants,
and used to give you drink:
If you said “mamm!” I fetched you bread
with fond discernment true,
And you could hardly say “Cacca!”
when through the door I flew
And held you out a full arm’s length
your little needs to do:
But now when I was crying
That I with pain was dying,
You brute! you would not tarry
Me out of doors to carry,
But choking with despair
I’ve been and done it there.

CHORUS.
Sure all young hearts are palpitating now
To hear him plead,
Since if those lips with artful words avow
The daring deed,
And once a favouring verdict win,
A fig for every old man’s skin.
O thou! who rakest up new thoughts
with daring hands profane.
Try all you can, ingenious man,
that verdict to obtain.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
How sweet it is these novel arts,
these clever words to know,
And have the power established rules
and laws to overthrow.
Why in old times when horses were
my sole delight, ’twas wonder
If I could say a dozen words
without some awful blunder!
But now that he has made me quit
that reckless mode of living,
And I have been to subtle thoughts
my whole attention giving,
I hope to prove by logic strict
’tis right to beat my father.

STREPSIADES.
O! buy your horses back, by Zeus,
since I would ten times rather
Have to support a four-in-hand,
so I be struck no more.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Peace. I will now resume the thread
where I broke off before.
And first I ask: when I was young,
did you not strike me then?

STREPSIADES.
Yea: for I loved and cherished you.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Well, solve me this again,
Is it not just that I your son
should cherish you alike,
And strike you, since, as you observe,
to cherish means to strike?
What! must my body needs be scourged
and pounded black and blue
And yours be scathless? was not I
as much freeborn as you?
“Children are whipped, and shall not sires be whipped?”
Perhaps you’ll urge that children’s minds
alone are taught by blows:—
Well: Age is Second Childhood then:
that everybody knows.
And as by old experience Age
should guide its steps more clearly,
So when they err, they surely should
be punished more severely.
But Law goes everywhere for me:
deny it, if you can.
Well was not he who made the law,
a man, a mortal man,
As you or I, who in old times
talked over all the crowd?
And think you that to you or me
the same is not allowed,
To change it, so that sons by blows
should keep their fathers steady?
Still, we’ll be liberal, and blows
which we’ve received already
We will forget, we’ll have no ex-post-facto legislation.
—Look at the game-cocks, look at all
the animal creation,
Do not they beat their parents? Aye:
I say then, that in fact
They are as we, except that they
no special laws enact.

STREPSIADES.
Why don’t you then, if always where
the game-cock leads you follow,
Ascend your perch to roost at night,
and dirt and ordure swallow?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
The case is different there, old man,
as Socrates would see.
Well then you’ll blame yourself at last,
if you keep striking me.

STREPSIADES.
How so?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Why, if it’s right for me to punish you my son,
You can, if you have got one, yours.

STREPSIADES.
Aye, but suppose I’ve none.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Then having gulled me you will die,
while I’ve been flogged in vain.

STREPSIADES.
Good friends! I really think he has
some reason to complain.
I must concede he has put the case
in quite a novel light:
I really think we should be flogged
unless we act aright!

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Look to a fresh idea then.

STREPSIADES.
He’ll be my death I vow.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Yet then perhaps you will not grudge
ev’n what you suffer now.

STREPSIADES.
How! will you make me like the blows
which I’ve received to-day?

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Yes, for I’ll beat my mother too.

STREPSIADES.
What! What is that you say!
Why, this is worse than all.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
But what, if as I proved the other,
By the same Logic I can prove
’tis right to beat my mother?

STREPSIADES.
Aye! what indeed! if this you plead,
If this you think to win,
Why then, for all I care, you may
To the Accursed Pit convey
Yourself with all your learning new,
Your master, and your Logic too,
And tumble headlong in.
O Clouds! O Clouds! I owe all this to you!
Why did I let you manage my affairs!

CHORUS.
Nay, nay, old man, you owe it to yourself.
Why didst thou turn to wicked practices?

STREPSIADES.
Ah, but ye should have asked me that before,
And not have spurred a poor old fool to evil.

CHORUS.
Such is our plan. We find a man
On evil thoughts intent,
Guide him along to shame and wrong,
Then leave him to repent.

STREPSIADES.
Hard words, alas! yet not more hard than just.
It was not right unfairly to keep back
The money that I borrowed. Come, my darling,
Come and destroy that filthy Chaerephon
And Socrates; for they’ve deceived us both!

PHEIDIPPIDES.
No. I will lift no hand against my Tutors.

STREPSIADES.
Yes do, come, reverence Paternal Zeus.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Look there! Paternal Zeus! what an old fool.
Is there a Zeus?

STREPSIADES.
There is.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
There is no Zeus.
Young Vortex reigns, and he has turned out Zeus,

STREPSIADES.
No Vortex reigns: that was my foolish thought
All through this Vortex here. Fool that I was,
To think a piece of earthenware a God.

PHEIDIPPIDES.
Well, rave away, talk nonsense to yourself,

STREPSIADES.
Oh! fool, fool, fool, how mad I must have been
To cast away the Gods, for Socrates.
Yet Hermes, gracious Hermes, be not angry
Nor crush me utterly, but look with mercy
On faults to which his idle talk hath led me.
And lend thy counsel; tell me, had I better
Plague them with lawsuits, or how else annoy them.
[Affects to listen.]
Good: your advice is good: I’ll have no lawsuits,
I’ll go at once and set their house on fire,
The prating rascals. Here, here, Xanthias,
Quick, quick here, bring your ladder and your pitch-fork,
Climb to the roof of their vile thinking-house,
Dig at their tiles, dig stoutly, an’ thou lovest me,
Tumble the very house about their ears.
And someone fetch me here a lighted torch,
And I’ll soon see if, boasters as they are,
They won’t repent of what they’ve done to me.

FIRST STUDENT.
O dear! O dear!

STREPSIADES.
Now, now, my torch, send out a lusty flame.

FIRST STUDENT.
Man! what are you at there?

STREPSIADES.
What am I at? I’ll tell you.
I’m splitting straws with your house-rafters here.

SECOND STUDENT.
Oh me! who’s been and set our house on fire?

STREPSIADES.
Who was it, think you, that you stole the cloak from?

THIRD STUDENT.
O Murder! Murder!

STREPSIADES.
That’s the very thing,
Unless this pick prove traitor to my hopes,
Or I fall down, and break my blessed neck.

SOCRATES.
Hallo! what are you at, up on our roof?

STREPSIADES.
I walk on air, and contemplate the Sun.

SOCRATES.
O! I shall suffocate. O dear! O dear!

CHAEREPHON.
And I, poor devil, shall be burnt to death.

STREPSIADES.
For with what aim did ye insult the Gods,
And pry around the dwellings of the Moon?
Strike, smite them, spare them not, for many reasons,
BUT MOST BECAUSE THEY HAVE BLASPHEMED THE GODS!

CHORUS.
Lead out of the way: for I think we may say
We have acted our part very fairly to-day.