Canto II

SOON as with gentle sighs the ev'ning Breeze
Begun to whisper through the murm'ring Trees;
And Night had wrap'd in Shades the Mountains
Whilst Winds lay hush'd in Subterranean Beds. [Heads,
Officious Phantom did with speed prepare
To slide on tender Pinions through the Air.
He often sought the Summit of a Rock,
And oft the Hollow of some blasted Oak;
At length approaching where bleak Envy lay,
He found, by th' hissing of her Snakes, the way.

Beneath the gloomy Covert of an Eugh
That taints the Grass with sickly sweats of Dew;
No verdant Beauty entertains the sight,
But baneful Hemlock, and cold Aconite;
There crawl'd the meagre Monster on the ground,
And Breath'd a livid Pestilence around:
A bald and bloted Toad-stool rais'd her Head;
And Plumes of boding Ravens were her Bed.
Down her wan Cheeks sulphureous Torrents flow,
And her red haggard Eyes with Fury glow.
Like Aetna with Metallick streams oppress'd,
She breaths a bleu Eruption from her Breast.
And rends with canker'd Teeth the pregnant Scrolls
Where Fame the Acts of Demy-Gods enrolls.
And as the rent Records in pieces fell,
Each Scrap did some immortal Action tell.
This show'd, how fix'd as Fate Torquatus stood,
And That, the passage of the Granick Flood.
The Iulian Eagles, here, their Wings display;
And there, all pale, th' expiring Decii lay.
This does Camillus as a God extol,
That points at Manlius in the Capitol.
How Cochles did the Tyber's Surges brave,
How Curtius plung'd into the gaping Grave.
Great Cyrus, here, the Medes and Persians joyn,
And, there, th' immortal Battel on the Boyn.

As th' airy Messenger the Fury spy'd,
A while his curdling Blood forgot to glide.
Confusion on his fainting Vitals hung,
And fault'ring accents flutter'd on his Tongue.
At length assuming Courage, he essay'd
T' inform the Fiend, then shrunk into a shade.

The Hag lay long revolving what might be
The blest Event of such an Embassy.
She blazons in dread Smiles her hideous Form,
So Light'ning guilds the unrelenting Storm.
Then she, Alas! how long in vain have I
Aim'd at those noble ills the Fates deny:
Within this Isle for ever must I find
Disasters to distract my restless Mind.
Good Te—ns Celestial Piety
Has rais'd his Virtues to the Sacred See.
So—rs do's sickning Equity restore,
And helpless Orphans now need weep no more.
Pm—ke to Britain endless Blessings brings;
He spoke and Peace clap'd her Triumphant wings:
Unshaken is the Throne and safe its Lord,
Whilst M—d or O—nd wears a Sword.
The noble ardour of a Loyal Fire,
Inspires the generous breast of De—re.
Like Leda's shining Sons, divinely clear,
P—land and I—sey deck'd in Rays appear
To Guild, by turns, the Gallick Hemisphear.
Worth in Distress is rais'd by M—gue,
Augustus listens if Maecenas sue.
And V—ns Vigilance no slumber takes,
Whilst Faction peeps abroad, and Anarchy awakes.

Since therefore by no Arts I can defeat
The happy Enterprizes of the Great,
I'le calmly stoop to more inferiour things;
And try if my lov'd Snakes have Teeth or Stings.

She said; and straight shrill Colon's Person took,
In Morals loose, but most precise in look.
Black-Fryar's Annals lately pleas'd to call
Him Warden of Apothecaries-Hall.
And, when so dignifi'd, he'd not forbear
That Operation which the learn'd declare
Gives Collicks ease, and makes the Ladies Fair.
In vain Formality his Talent lies,
And th' empty Head's defects, the Band supplies.
Hourly his learn'd Impertinence affords
A barren Superfluity of Words.
In haste he strides along to recompence
The want of bus'ness with its vain pretence.
The Fury thus assuming Colon's grace,
So slung her Arms, so shuffl'd in her Pace.
Onward she hastens to the fam'd Abodes,
Where Horoscope invokes th' infernal Gods,
And reach'd the Mansion where the Vulgar run
T' increase their Ills, and throng to be undone.

This Wight all mercenary Projects trys,
And knows that to be rich is to be wise.
By useful Observations he can tell
The sacred Charms that in true Sterling dwell.
How Gold maks a Patrician of a Slave,
A Dwarf an Atlas, a Therfites brave.
It cancels all defects, and in their place
Finds Sense in Br—w, Charms in Lady G—ce.
It guides the fancy, and directs the mind,
No Bankrupt ever found a Fair one kind.

So truly Horoscope its Virtues knows,
To this bright Idol 'tis, alone, he bows;
And fancies that a Thousand Pound supplies
The want of twenty Thousand Qualities.
Long has he been of that amphibious Fry,
Bold to prescribe, and busie to apply.
His Shop the gazing Vulgar's Eyes employs
With forreign Trinkets, and domestick Toys.
Here, Mummies lay most reverendly stale,
And there, the Tortois hung her Coat o' Mail;
Not far from some huge Shark's devouring Head,
The flying Fish their finny Pinions spread.
Aloft in rows large Poppy Heads were strung,
And near, a scaly Alligator hung.
In this place, Drugs in Musty heaps decay'd,
In that, dry'd Bladders, and drawn Teeth were laid.
An inner Room receives the numerous Shoals
Of such as pay to be reputed Fools.
Globes stand by Globes, Volumns on Volumns lie,
And Planitary Schemes amuse the Eye.
The Sage, in Velvet Chair, here lolls at ease,
To promise future Health for present Fees.
Then, as from Tripod, solemn shams reveals,
And what the Stars know nothing of, foretels.
One asks how soon Panthea may be won,
And longs to feel the Marriage Fetters on.
Others, convinc'd by Melancholy proof,
Wou'd know how soon kind Fates will strike 'em off.
Some, by what means they may redress the wrong,
When Fathers the Possession keep too long.
And some wou'd know the issue of their Cause,
And whether Gold can sodder up its flaws.
Poor pregnant Laijs his advice wou'd have,
To lose by Art what fruitful Nature gave:
And Portia old in expectation grown,
Laments her barren Curse, and begs a Son.
Whilst Iris, his cosmetick Wash, must try,
To make her Bloom revive, and Lovers dye.
Some ask for Charms, and others Philters choose
To gain Corinna, and their Quartans loose.
Young Hylas, botch'd with Stains too foul to Name,
In Cradle here, renews his Youthful Frame:
Cloy'd with Desire, and furfeited with Charms,
A Hot-house he prefers to Iulia's arms.
And old Lucullus wou'd th' Arcanum prove,
Of kindling in cold Veins the sparks of Love.

With pleasure those dull Frauds bleak Envy sees,
And wonders at the senseless Mysteries.
In Colon's Voice she thus calls out aloud
On Horoscope environ'd by the Crow'd.

Forbear, forbear, thy vain Amusements cease,
Thy Wood-Cocks from their Gins a while release;
And to that dire Misfortune listen well,
Which thou shou'd'st fear to know, or I to tell.
'Tis true, Thou ever wast esteem'd by me
The great Alcides of our Company.
When we with Noble Scorn resolv'd to ease
Our selves of all Parochial Offices;
And to our Wealthier Patients left the care,
And draggl'd dignity of Scavenger;
Such Zeal in that affair thou dist express,
Nought cou'd be equal to't, but the Success.
Now call to mind thy generous Prowess past,
Be what thou shou'd'st, by thinking what thou wast.
The Faculty of Warwick-Lane design,
If not to Storm, at least to Undermine:
Their Gates each day ten thousand Night-caps crow'd,
And their attempts their Mortars speak aloud.
If they shou'd once unmasque our Mystery,
Each Nurse e're long wou'd be as learn'd as We,
Our Art expos'd to ev'ry Vulgar Eye,
And, none in Complaisance to us, would dye.
What if We claim their right to assassinate,
Must they needs turn Apothecaries straight?
Prevent it, Gods! all Stratagems we try,
To crowd with new Inhabitants your Skie.
'Tis we who wait the Destinies command,
To purge the troubl'd Air, and weed the Land.
And dare the College of Physicians aim
To equal our Fraternity in Fame?
Crabs Eyes as well with Pearl for use may try,
Or Highgate Hill with lofty Pindus vie:
So Glow-worms may compare with Titan's Beams,
Or Hare Court Pump with Aganippe's Streams.
Our Manufacture now they meanly sell,
And spightfully, th' intrinsick value tell:
Nay more, (but Heav'ns prevent) they'l force us soon,
To act with Conscience, and to be undone.

At this, fam'd Horoscope turn'd pale, and straight
In silence tumbl'd from his Chair of State.
The Crowd in great Confusion sought the Door,
And left the Magus fainting on the Floor.
Whilst in his Breast the Fury breath'd a Storm,
Then sought her Cell, and reassum'd her Form,
Thus from the Sore altho' the Insect flies,
It leaves a brood of Maggots in disguise.

Officious Squirt in haste forsook the Shop,
To succour the expiring Horoscope.
Oft he essay'd the Magus to restore,
By Salt of Succinum's prevailing pow'r;
But still supine the solid Lumber lay,
An Image of scarce animated Clay;
Till Fates, indulgent when Disasters call,
Bethought th' Assistant of a Urinal;
Whose Steam the Wight no sooner did receive,
But rowz'd, and blest the Stale Restorative.
The Springs of Life their former Vigour feel,
Such Zeal he had for that vile Urensil.

So when Pelides did blue Thetis see,
He knew the Fishy smell, and own'd her Deity.