Act IV, Scene III

MERCURY appears on the top of the house, with a chaplet on his head, pretending to be drunk.

MERC. Who's that at the door? AMPH. 'Tis I.

MERC. Who's "'tis I?" AMPH. 'Tis I that say so.

MERC. For sure, Jupiter and all the Deities are angered with you who are banging at the door this way.

AMPH. In what manner? MERC. In this manner, that without a doubt you must be spending a wretched life.

AMPH. Sosia. MERC. Well; I'm Sosia, unless you think that I've forgotten myself. What do you want now?

AMPH. What, you rascal, and do you even ask me that, what it is I want?

MERC. I do so ask you; you blockhead, you've almost broken the hinges from off the door. Did you fancy that doors were supplied us at the public charge? Why are you looking up at me, you stupid? What do you want now for yourself, or what fellow are you?

AMPH. You whip-scoundrel, do you even ask me who I am, you hell of elm-saplings? I' faith, this day I'll make, you burn with smarts of the scourge for these speeches of yours.

MERC. You surely must have formerly been a spendthrift in your young days.

AMPH. How so? MERC. Because in your old age you come begging a hap-ill of me for yourself--

AMPH. Slave! for your own torture do you give vent to these expressions this day.

MERC. Now I'm performing a sacrifice to you.

AMPH. How? MERC. Why, because I devote you to ill-luck with this libation. (Throws water on him.) * * *

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[AMPH. What, you, devote me, you villain? If the Gods have not this day taken away my usual form, I'll take care that you shall be laden with bull's hide thongs, you victim of Saturn. So surely will I devote you to the cross and to torture. Come out of doors, you whip-knave.

MERC. You shadowy ghost--you, frighten me with your threats? If you don't betake yourself off from here this instant, if you knock once more, if the door makes a noise with your little finger even, I'll break your head with this tile, so that with your teeth you may sputter out your tongue.

AMPH. What, rascal, would you be for driving me away from my own house? What, would you hinder me from knocking at my own door? I'll this instant tear it from off all its hinges.

MERC. Do you persist? AMPH. I do persist.

MERC. Take that, then. (Throws a tile at him.)

AMPH. Scoundrel! at your master? If I lay hands upon you this day, I'll bring you to that pitch of misery, that you shall be miserable for evermore.

MERC. Surely, you must have been playing the Bacchanal, old gentleman.

AMPH. Why so? MERC. Inasmuch as you take me to be your slave.

AMPH. What? I--take you? MERC. Plague upon you! I know no master but Amphitryon.

AMPH. (to himself). Have I lost my form? It's strange that Sosia shouldn't know me. I'll make trial. (Calling out). How now! Tell me who I appear to be? Am I not really Amphitryon?

MERC. Amphitryon? Are you in your senses? Has it not been told you before, old fellow, that you have been playing the Bacchanal, to be asking another person who you are? Get away, I recommend you, don't be troublesome while Amphitryon, who has just come back from the enemy, is indulging himself with the company of his wife.

AMPH. What wife? MERC. Alcmena.

AMPH. What man? MERC. How often do you want it told? Amphitryon, my master;--don't be troublesome.

AMPH. Who's he sleeping with? MERC. Take care that you don't meet with some mishap in trifling with me this way.

AMPH. Prithee, do tell me, my dear Sosia.

MERC. More civilly said--with. Alcmena.

AMPH. In the same chamber?

MERC. Yes, as I fancy, he is sleeping with her side by side.

AMPH. Alas!--wretch that I am!

MERC. (to the Audience). It really is a gain which he imagines to be a misfortune. For to lend one's wife to another is just as though you were to let out barren land to be ploughed.

AMPH. Sosia! MERC. What, the plague, about Sosia?

AMPH. Don't you know me, you whip-scoundrel?

MERC. I know that you are a troublesome fellow, who have no need to go buy a lawsuit. AMPH. Still once more--am I not your master Amphitryon?

MERC. You are Bacchus himself, and not Amphitryon. How often do you want to be told? Any times more? My master Amphitryon, in the same chamber, is holding Alcmena in his embraces. If you persist, I'll produce him here, and not without your great discomfiture.

AMPH. I wish him to be fetched. (Aside.) I pray that this day, in return for my services, I may not lose house, wife, and household, together with my figure.

MERC. Well, I'll fetch him; but, in the meantime, do you mind about the door, please. (Aside.) I suppose that by this he has brought the sacrifice that he was intending, as far as the banquet. (Aloud.) If you are troublesome, you shan't escape without my making a sacrifice of you. (He retires into the house.)

AMPH. Ye Gods, by my trust in you, what madness is distracting my household? What wondrous things have I seen since I arrived from abroad! Why, it's true, surely, what was once heard tell of, how that men of Attica were transformed in Arcadia, and remained as savage wild beasts, and were not ever afterwards known unto their parents.