Act III, Scene I

Enter STROBILUS, ANTHRAX, and CONGRIO, with Music-Girls, and Persons carrying provisions.

STRO. After my master had bought the provisions, and hired the cooks and these music-girls in the market-place, he ordered me to divide these provisions into two parts.

CON. By my troth, but you really shan't be dividing me, I tell you plainly. If you wish me to go anywhere whole, I'll do my best.

ANTH. A very pretty and modest fellow, indeed. As if, when you are a conger by name, you wouldn't like to be cut into pieces.

CON. But, Anthrax, I said that in another sense, and not in the one which you are pretending.

STRO. Now my master's going to be married to-day.

ANTH. Whose daughter is he to marry?

STRO. The daughter of this Euclio, his near neighbour here. For that reason he has ordered half of these provisions here to be presented to him--one cook, and one music-girl likewise.

ANTH. That is, you take one half to him, the other half home?

STRO. 'Tis just as you say.

ANTH. How's that? Couldn't this old fellow provide from his own resources for the wedding of his daughter.

STRO. Pshaw!

ANTH. What's the matter?

STRO. What's the matter, do you ask? A pumice stone isn't so dry as is this old fellow.

ANTH. Do you really say that it is as you affirm?

STRO. Do be judge yourself. Why, he's for ever crying out for aid from Gods and men, that his property has gone, and that he is ruined root and branch, if the smoke by chance escapes out of doors through the rafters of his house. Why, when he goes to sleep, he ties a bag beneath his gullet.

ANTH. Why so?

STRO. That when he sleeps, he may lose no breath.

ANTH. And does he stop up the lower part of his windpipe as well, lest, perchance, he should lose any breath as he sleeps?

STRO. In that 'tis as fair that you should credit me, as it is for me to credit you.

ANTH. Why really, I do believe you.

STRO. But, further, do you know how it is? I' faith, he grieves to throw away the water when he washes.

ANTH. Do you think a great talent might be begged of this old fellow for him to give us, through which we might become free?

STRO. By my troth, if you were to ask it, he would never let you have the loan of hunger. Why, the other day, the barber had cut his nails; he collected all the parings, and carried them off.

ANTH. I' faith, you do describe a miserably stingy wretch.

CON. But do you think that he does live so very stingily and wretchedly?

STRO. A kite, the other day, carried off his morsel of food; the fellow went crying to the Praetor; there, weeping and lamenting, he began to request that he might be allowed to compel the kite to give bail. There are innumerable other things that I could mention, if I had the leisure. But which of you two is the sharper? Tell me.

CON. I--as being much the better one.

STRO. A cook I ask for, not a thief.

CON. As a cook, I mean.

STRO. (to Anthrax). What do you say?

ANTH. I'm just as you see me.

CON. He's a nine-day cook; every ninth day he's in the habit of going out to cook.

ANTH. You, you three-lettered fellow; do you abuse me, you thief?

CON. To be sure I do, you trebly-distilled thief of thieves.

STRO. Now do you hold your tongue for the present, and, that lamb, whichever is the fatter of the two

CON. Very well.

STRO. Do you, Congrio, take that, and go in-doors there (pointing to Euclio's house); and (to a Music-Girl and some of the People with provisions) do you follow him; the rest of you this way, to our house.

CON. By my troth, you've made an unfair division; they've got the fattest lamb.

STRO. But the fattest music-girl shall be given you then. Do you, therefore, go along with him, Phrygia. And do you, Eleusium, step in-doors here, to our house.

CON. O you crafty Strobilus, have you pushed me off here upon this most miserly old fellow, where if I ask for anything, I may ask even to hoarseness before anything's found me?

STRO. 'Tis very foolish, and 'tis thanklessly done, to do a service to you, when what you do goes for nothing.

CON. But how so?

STRO. Do you ask? In the first place then, there will be no confusion for you there in the house; if you want anything to use, bring it from your own home, don't lose your trouble in asking for it. But here, at our house, there's great confusion, and a large establishment--furniture, gold, garments, silver vessels. If anything's lost here (as I know that you can easily keep hands off--if nothing's in your way), they may say, "The cooks have stolen it; seize them, bind them, beat them, thrust them in the dungeon". Nothing of that sort will happen to you, inasmuch as there will be nothing for you to steal. Follow me this way.

CON. I follow.

STRO. (knocking at the door of Euclio's house). Ho, there! Staphyla, come out and open the door.

STAPH. (from within). Who calls there?

STRO. Strobilus.