Act II, Scene II

Enter, at a distance, DEMIPHO, HEGIO, CRATINUS, and CRITO, following him.

DEM. Well now-- did you ever hear of an injury being done to any person in a more affronting manner than this has to me? Assist me, I do beg of you.

GETA (apart.) He’s in a passion.

PHOR. (apart.) Do you mind your cue; I’ll rouse him just now. (Stepping forward and crying aloud.) Oh immortal Gods! does Demipho deny that Phanium here is related to him?

GETA. He does deny it.

DEM. (to his friends.) I believe it is the very man I was speaking about. Follow me. (They all come forward.)

PHOR. (to GETA.) And that he knows who her father was?

GETA. He does deny it.

PHOR. And that he knows who Stilpho was?

GETA. He does deny it.

PHOR. Because the poor thing was left destitute, her father is disowned; she herself is slighted: see what avarice does.

GETA (in a loud voice.) If you are going to accuse my master of avarice, you shall hear what you won’t like.

DEM. Oh, the impudence of the fellow! Does he come on purpose to accuse me?

PHOR. For really, I have no reason why I should be offended at the young man, if he did not know him; since that person, when growing aged and poor, and supporting himself by his labor, generally confined himself to the country; there he had a piece of land from my father to cultivate; full oft, in the mean time, did the old man tell me that this kinsman of his neglected him: but what a man? The very best I ever saw in all my life.

GETA (in a loud voice.) Look to yourself as well as to him, how you speak.

PHOR. (with affected indignation.) Away, to utter perdition, with you. For if I had not formed such an opinion of him, I should never have incurred such enmity with your family on her account, whom he now slights in such an ungenerous manner.

GETA (aloud.) What, do you persist in speaking abusively of my master in his absence, you most abominable fellow?

PHOR. Why, it’s just what he deserves.

GETA (aloud.) Say you so, you jail-bird?

DEM. (calling aloud.) Geta!

GETA (aloud.) A plunderer of people’s property-- a perverter of the laws!

DEM. (calling aloud.) Geta!

PHOR. (apart, in a low voice.) Answer him.

GETA. Who is it? (Looking round.) Oh!----

DEM. Hold your peace.

GETA. He has never left off uttering abuse against you behind your back, unworthy of you, and just befitting himself.

DEM. Well now, have done. (Addressing PHORMIO.) Young man, in the first place, with your good leave, I ask you this, if you may possibly be pleased to give me an answer: explain to me who this friend of yours was, that you speak of, and how he said that he was related to me.

PHOR. (sneeringly.) You are fishing it out, just as if you didn’t know.

DEM. I, know?

PHOR. Yes.

DEM. I say I do not; you, who affirm it, recall it to my recollection.

PHOR. Come now, didn’t you know your own cousin-german?

DEM. You torture me to death; tell me his name.

PHOR. His name?

DEM. Of course. (PHORMIO hesitates.) Why are you silent now?

PHOR. (aside.) Heavens, I’m undone; I’ve forgot the name.

DEM. Well, what do you say?

PHOR. (aside, to GETA.) Geta, if you recollect the name I told you a short time since, prompt me. (Aloud, to DEMIPHO.) Well then, I sha’n’t tell you; as if you didn’t know, you come to pump me.

DEM. I, come to pump you, indeed?

GETA. (whispering to PHORMIO.) Stilpho.

PHOR. But, after all, what matters that to me? It is Stilpho.

DEM. Whom did you say?

PHOR. Stilpho, I tell you; you knew him.

DEM. I neither know him, nor had I ever any relation of that name.

PHOR. Say you so? Are you not ashamed of this? But if he had left you ten talents----

DEM. May the Gods confound you!

PHOR. You’d have been the first, from memory, to trace your line of kindred, even as far back as from grandfather and great-grandfather.

DEM. Very likely what you say. In that case, when I had undertaken it, I should have shown how she was related to me; do you do the same: tell me, how is she related to me?

GETA. Well done, my master, that’s right! (Threateningly to PHORMIO.) Hark you, take you care.

PHOR. I’ve already made the matter quite plain where I ought, before the judges; besides, if it was untrue, why didn’t your son disprove it?

DEM. Do you talk about my son to me? Of whose folly there is no speaking in the language it deserves.

PHOR. Then do you, who are so wise, go to the magistrates, that for you they may give a second decision in the same cause, since you reign alone here, and are the only man allowed to get a second trial in the same cause.

DEM. Although wrong has been done me, still, however, rather than engage in litigation, or listen to you, just as though she had been my relation, as the law orders one to find her a portion, rid me of her, and take five minæ.

PHOR. (laughing.) Ha, ha, ha! a pleasant individual!

DEM. Well! am I asking any thing unfair? Or am I not to obtain even this, which is my right at common law?

PHOR. Pray, really is it so, that when you have abused her like a courtesan, the law orders you to pay her hire and pack her off? Or is it the fact, that in order that a citizen may bring no disgrace upon herself through poverty, she has been ordered to be given to her nearest relative, to pass her life with him alone? A thing which you mean to prevent.

DEM. Yes, to her nearest relative, indeed; but why to us, or on what ground?

PHOR. Well, well, a thing tried, they say, you can’t try over again.

DEM. Not try it? On the contrary, I shall not desist until I have gone through with it.

PHOR. You are trifling.

DEM. Only let me alone for that.

PHOR. In short, Demipho, I have nothing to do with you; your son has been cast, and not you; for your time of life for marrying has now gone by.

DEM. Consider that it is he that says to you all I now say, or else assuredly, together with this wife of his, I’ll be forbidding him the house.

GETA (aside.) He’s in a passion.

PHOR. You’ll be acting more considerately.

DEM. Are you so resolved, you unlucky fellow, to do me all the mischief you can?

PHOR. (aside, to GETA.) He’s afraid of us, although he’s so careful to conceal it.

GETA (aside, to PHORMIO.) Your beginning has turned out well.

PHOR. But if, on the contrary, you endure what must be endured, you’ll be doing what’s worthy of you, so that we may be on friendly terms.

DEM. (indignantly.) What, I seek your friendship, or have any wish to see or hear you?

PHOR. If you can agree with her, you will have some one to cheer up your old age; just consider your time of life.

DEM. Let her cheer up yourself; keep her to yourself.

PHOR. Really, do moderate your passion.

DEM. Mark what I say. There have been words enough already; if you don’t make haste to fetch away the woman, I shall turn her out: I have said it, Phormio.

PHOR. If you use her in any other manner than is befitting a free-born woman, I shall be bringing a swinging action against you: I have said it, Demipho. (To GETA.) Hark you, if there should be any occasion for me, I shall be at home.

GETA (apart.) I understand you. (Exit PHORMIO.