Mean Sam Green

Old Sam Green!
What? Mean?
I reckin that a meaner man was skercely ever seen.
People said he'd skin a fly for sake of hide an' grease;
He wouldn't grin--it stretched the skin, an' he begredged the crease.
Sort o' squirmed when asked to set--didn't want the chance!
We wondered why; we found at last'twas jest to save his pants.
Never used to shave himself, never combed his hair;
Used to sort o' hate to wash, account o' wear and tear.
Never beau-ed the wimmen'round, never spent a cent,
'Cept the time he bought a girl an ounce of pepperment.
Alius kind o' groaned o' that; said the dratted dunce
Set an' chawnked an' chawnked an' chawnked an' et it all to once.
Said he learned a lesson then to last him all through life;
Said'twould take a millionaire to feed a hearty wife.
So he planned an' worked an' saved an' grubbed his little patch,
Allowed he'd ruther plug along, jest like he was, "old bach."
Sam, though, shifted later on--the pesky mean old goat--
He struck a find; she'd had a shock that paralyzed her throat! .
Still, she worked most dretful spry--didn't need no spurs--
Only "out" that woman had was that 'ere throat of hers. 1
Married her? you bet he did! Straight--right off the reel!
Reckoned that she couldn't eat a reel, good hearty meal.
Figgered he'd git lots of work an' only feed her slim;
Wife, though, wopsed it t'other way an' got the laugh on him!
I reckin that a madder man was skercely ever seen,
Than Green,
Old mean Sam Green.
Soon's she fairly placed her feet, she called the doctors in,
An' they commenced to work on her an' tap old Green for tin.
He swore an' howled, but she was boss--she run the whole concern--
She said she'd morgidge all he owned to cure that throat of her'n.
The high-priced doctors far an' near come hustlin' to the place,
An' fubbed an' fussed an' then discussed that reely puzzlin' case.
An' each performed his little stunt with all his skill an' will,
An' said that time would do the rest--an' then put in his bill.
Wal, Land o' Goshen, Sam took on as though they drawed his blood.
He'd hitch and hunch his wallet out as though
'twas stuck in mud.
Their nuss was quite a hand to tog; she used to say to us
She wished that corsets laced as tight's the straps on that old puss.
Mis' Green at last got down reel slim; one night--so nuss, she said,
Old Sam come creepin', creakin' in; set down
'longside the bed.
He stooped an' poked around a spell, picked up
Lucindy's shoe,
An' then--wal, nuss she vums an' vows this
'ere is honest true:
He routed'round the fireplace an' got a cindercoal,
An' went to figgerin' up expense, right there on 'Cindy's sole.
He talked the items right out loud, but 'Cindy didn't kick
So long's he only reckoned things she'd had while she was sick.
But when he got to projickin''bout what
'twould prob'ly cost
To bury her in decent shape, he sort o' up an' crossed
The "mean-man" line, the "tarnal mean" an' even "gaul-durned mean"--
He formed a brand-new class himself; jest him alone, Sam Green,
Stands serene!
"Green mean,"
Signifies the meanest man that ever ye have seen.
Die? What! 'Cindy up an' die? You bet she didn't die!
Got so mad to hear him talk she flew right up sky-high.
Hopped like sixty out o'bed, as hearty's Paddy's goat,
An' that 'ere kink--whatever'twas--it came right out her throat.
An' talk? She hadn't talked for years, but soon's she got her breath,
I swan to man, I reely b'lieve she talked old
Green to death.
For 'fore she'd trod around enough to wear the coal marks out,
Old Sam curled up an' passed away. Some said there wa'n't much doubt
He'd reely died two years before, but hadn't let folks know,
Because these undertakin' chaps tuck on expenses so.
Perk Todd was tellin' down t' the store he had a dream las' week--
He dreamed he got in Paradise! Must been a denied close' squeak!
Wal, Perk he says an angel there was showin' him around,
"At last," says Perk, "I ups an' asks how
'twas I hadn't found
No people there from where I'd lived. The angel says, says he:
'Here bub!' A cherub scooted up. 'Go git the storehouse key.'"
Says Perk: "The angel took me in. An' where we were, it'peared
That'bout a billion boxed-up things was there all nicely tiered.
The angel said, 'When folks on earth do anything that's small
Their souls git squizzled bit by bit; an' when they die, then all
The little, teenty souls that come are packed in here, ye know,
Jes' same's they box tomater plants to giv' 'em time to grow.'
He hunted'round an' found a box. 'There,' finally said he,
'We've got about as sing'lar thing as ever ye will see.'
Inside that box was nested dus' a dozen boxes more;
The last box was the smallest box I ever saw before,
An' in it was a teenty speck. 'Is that a soul?' says I.
'Oh, no,' said he, 'the thing you see's the eyebrow of a fly.
You couldn't see the soul that's there, to save your blessed neck,
Because it's one ten-millionth part as big's that leetle speck.
In fact it is the smallest soul that we have ever seen;
The label says'--he squinted hard--'it's one old Sam'wel Green.' All serene,
Sam Green
Is ticketed 'The Limit; Number billion-umpty steen.'"