Old Boggs's Slarnt

Old Bill Boggs is always sayin' that he'd like to but he carn't;
He hain't never had no chances, he hain't never got no slarnt.
Says it's all dum foolish tryin', 'less ye git the proper start,
Says he's never seed no op'nin' so he's never had no heart.
But he's chawed enough tobacker for to fill a hogset up
And has spent his time a-trainin' some all-fired kind of pup;
While his wife has took in washin' and his children hain't been larnt

'Cause old Boggs is allus whinin' that he's never got no slarnt.

Them air young uns round the gros'ry hadn't oughter done the thing!
Now it's done, though, and it's over, 'twas a cracker-jack, by jing.
Boggs, ye see, has been a-settin' twenty years on one old plank,
One end h'isted on a saw hoss, t'other on the cistern tank.

T'other night he was a-chawin' and he says, "I vum-spt-ooo--
Here I am a-owin' money--not a gol durn thing to do!
'Tain't no use er backin' chances, ner er fightin' back at Luck,
--Less ye have some way er startin', feller's sartin to be stuck.
Needs a slarnt to git yer going"--then them young uns give a carnt,
--Plank went up an' down old Boggs went-- yas, he got it, got his slarnt.

Course the young uns shouldn't done it--sent mine off along to bed--
Helped to pry Boggs out the cistern--he warn't more'n three-quarters dead.
Didn't no one 'prove the actions, but when all them kids was gone,
Thunder mighty! How we hollered! Gab'rel couldn't heered his horn.