Mime II: The Brothel-Keeper

BATTAROS

Gentlemen of the jury ye wot ye are no judges of our lineage nor renown: nor an Thales here hath a ship worth five talents, and I lack loaves, shall he [therefore] do Battaros a hurt and hold mastery of law. Nay, far from it. Salt tears should he weep, if Carian isle be a land of cities that are united into one city. For I am in this city as he— an alien. We live not as we wolde but as needs drive us. His patron is Aristophon, Mennes mine. Mennes has won boxing bouts : Aristophon can still hug. An this be not true, sirs, let him come out at sun wane in that cloke he weareth, and he shall know what kind of patron is my habergeon. Perchance he will tell you ‘ From Acre came I with cargo of wheat and allayed the curst famine.’ Aye but I have brought giglots from Tyre. What is that to the folk ? Neither giveth he wheat free to grind, nor give I her so. But an he claim, for that he sayle the sea or be dight in a cloke worth three Attic minae, while I live ashore trayling my ragged shoon—an he claim therefore to take amaine of mine sans mendes made, aye and by night, then gone is the saufgard of the city, and your pride of self-rule by Thales fordone. Nay he should know who he is and of what clay mingled, and live as do I, in awe of the least of his townsfolk: but in fact those who be top-tiles of the city, and puffed of lineage far more than he, these look to the laws, and no citizen ere wronged me the straunger nor came of night to my doors, nor with torches flamed my habitaunce, nor took of my giglots amaine: but this Phrygian, now Thales hight, but once Artimmes did this all sans hede of law or governour or ruler. Now sir clerke, take and read me the law of batterie, and thou, sir, stop the hole of the water-clocke till he end his reading, lest, as the saw goeth, arse cry ‘ shoot’ and sheets bag the spoyle.

CLERK

An a freeman assault a slave, or follow her of malintent, let him pay double the assessment.

BATTAROS

So wrote Chaerondes, gentlemen of the jury, not Battaros with intent to prosecute Thales. ‘ An one batter the dore, let him pay a mina; an he pommel with his fist, another mina; an he burn the habitaunce, or trespass, a thousand minae is the price set, and an he injure aught, restore double. For Chaerondes was aedifying a city, Thales, but thou knowest not city, nor how a city be aedified, but livest to-day in Bricindéra, yesterday in Abdera, and on the morn, an any give thee his fare, thou wilt sayl to Phaselis. But I, leaste in long speche, gentlemen of the jury, I frett you with my saws, I have been so entreated by Thales as mouse in pitch: I was smot with fists, the dore of my house, wherefore I pay a third as rent, is broken down, the lintell brent. Come hither Myrtale: shew thyself to all: be shamefast toward none: think, in this jury thou seest, that thou beholdest fathers and brethren. See, sirs, round about her smoothness, how smooth was this pluckt by this mucky man when he raunched and shent her.—[E]d, let him render thankoffering to thee: els had he spat forth his blood, as did once Philip the Locust in Samos. Dost laugh? I am a Boye, I denay not—and my grandsire was Patchouli hight, and my sire Patchouletto, and panders were they all: but for prowes wolde I chivy a lion, were I as Thales. You lust after Myrtale perchance ; small matter that; and I, after loaven: give one and thou shalt get the other. Or els ’a god’s name, an thou be inly warmed, stuff the price into Boye Battaros his hand, and take thine own and drub thine own to thy desire. One thing, sirs—for this has been said unto him—do ye sirs, since witnes is there none, rule your sentence by aequitie. And, an he will merely assay the bodys of slaves and call unto torture, lo! I offer mine own self freely : take me Thales and torture me: only let the price be in the midst: no better ruling could Minos himself have made were he judge here with his balaunce. For the rest, sirs, deme not that ye give vote for Battaros the pandar but for all the straungers within your gates. Now shall ye prove Cos and Merops their puissaunce, and Thessalus and Hercules their glorie, and with what intencioun Aesculapius came hither from Tricca, and wherefore ‘twas here that Phoebe bare Leto. Think on all these thynges and steer justice by aequity, sin now this Phrygian ye will find better for his beating, an out of ages past yon saw spit sooth.