Lines 1012–1158

YOUTH.
What in the world is this?

HAG.
This is a law which bids you follow me.

YOUTH.
Read what it says.

HAG.
O yes, my dear, I will.
Be it enacted, please to listen, you,
By us the ladies : if a youth would woo
A maiden, he must first his duty do
By some old beldame ; if the youth refuse,
Then may the beldames lawful violence use
And drag him in, in any way they choose.

YOUTH.
A crusty law! a Procrustéan law !

HAG.
Well, never mind ; you must obey the law.

YOUTH.
What if some Man, a friend or fellow-burgher,
Should come and bail me out ?

HAG.
A Man, forsooth ?
No Man avails beyond a bushel now.

YOUTH.
Essoign I’ll challenge.

HAG.
Nay, no quillets now.

YOUTH.
I’ll sham a merchant.

HAG.
You’ll repent it then.

YOUTH.
And must I come?

HAG.
You must.

YOUTH.
Is it a stern
Necessity ?

HAG.
Yes, quite Diomedéan.

YOUTH.
Then strew the couch with dittany, and set
Four well-crushed branches of the vine beneath ;
Bind on the fillets ; set the oil beside ;
And at the entrance set the water-crock.

HAG.
Now, by my troth, you’ll buy me a garland yet.

YOUTH.
A waxen garland. So, by Zeus, I will.
You’ll fall to pieces, I expect, in there.

GIRL.
Where drag you him?

HAG.
I’m taking home my husband.

GIRL.
Not wisely then: the lad is far too young
To serve your turn. You’re of an age, methinks
To be his mother rather than his wife.
If thus ye carry out the law, erelong
Ye’ll have an Oedipus in every house.

HAG.
You nasty spiteful girl, you made that speech
Out of sheer envy, but I’ll pay you out.

YOUTH.
Now by the Saviour Zeus, my sweetest sweet,
A rare good turn you have done me, scaring off
That vulturous Hag ; for which, at eventide,
I’ll make you, darling, what return I can.

SECOND HAG.
Hallo, Miss Break-the-law, where are you dragging
That gay young stripling, when the writing says
I’m first to wed him?

YOUTH.
Miserable me !
Whence did you spring, you evil-destined Hag?
She’s worse than the other : I protest she is.

SECOND HAG.
Come hither.

YOUTH.
(to the Girl) O my darling, don’t stand by,
And see this creature drag me !

SECOND HAG.
’Tis not I,
’Tis the Law drags you.

YOUTH.
’Tis a hellish vampire,
Clothed all about with blood, and boils, and blisters.

SECOND HAG.
Come, chickling, follow me: and don’t keep chattering.

YOUTH.
O let me first, for pity’s sake, retire
Into some draught-house. I’m in such a fright
That I shall yellow all about me else.

SECOND HAG.
Come, never mind ; you can do that within.

YOUTH.
More than I wish, I fear me. Come, pray do,
I’ll give you bail with two sufficient sureties.

SECOND HAG.
No bail for me !

THIRD HAG.
(to Youth) Hallo, where are you gadding
Away with her?

YOUTH.
Not “ gadding ” : being dragged.
But blessings on you, whosoe’er you are,
Sweet sympathizer. Ah! Oh! Heracles!
Ye Pans! ye Corybants! Twin sons of Zeus !
She’s worse than the other! Miserable me !
What shall I term this monstrous apparition ?
A monkey smothered up in paint, or else
A witch ascending from the Greater Number?

THIRD HAG.
No scoffing : come this way.

SECOND HAG.
This way, I tell you.

THIRD HAG.
I’ll never let you go.

SECOND HAG.
No more will I.

YOUTH.
Detested kites, ye’ll rend me limb from limb.

SECOND HAG.
Obey the law, which bids you follow me.

THIRD HAG.
Not if a fouler, filthier, hag appears.

YOUTH.
Now if betwixt you two I am done to death,
How shall I ever reach the girl I love ?

THIRD HAG.
That’s your look-out ; but this you needs must do.

YOUTH.
Which shall I tackle first, and so get free ?

SECOND HAG.
You know ; come hither.

YOUTH.
Make her let me go.

THIRD HAG.
No, no, come hither.

YOUTH.
If she’ll let me go.

SECOND HAG.
Zeus! I’ll not let you go.

THIRD HAG.
No more will I.

YOUTH.
Rough hands ye’d prove as ferrymen.

SECOND HAG.
Why so?

YOUTH.
Ye’d tear your passengers to bits by pulling.

SECOND HAG.
Don’t talk, come hither.

THIRD HAG.
No, this way, I tell you.

YOUTH.
O this is like Cannonus’s decree,
To play the lover, fettered right and left.
How can one oarsman navigate a pair?

SECOND HAG.
Tush, eat a pot of truffles, foolish boy.

YOUTH.
O me, I’m dragged along till now I’ve reached
The very door.

SECOND HAG.
That won’t avail you aught ;
I’ll tumble in beside you.

YOUTH.
Heaven forbid !
Better to struggle with one ill than two.

THIRD HAG.
O yes, by Hecate, will you, nill you, sir.

YOUTH.
Thrice hapless me, who first must play the man
With this old rotten carcase, and when freed
From her, shall find another Phryne there,
A bottle of oil beside her grinning chaps.
Ain’t I ill-fated? Yea, most heavy-fated !
O Zeus the Saviour, what a wretch am I
Yoked with this pair of savage-hearted beasts !
And O should aught befall me, sailing in
To harbour, towed by these detested drabs,
Bury my body by the harbour’s mouth ;
And take the upper hag, who still survives,
And tar her well, and round her ankles twain
Pour molten lead, and plant her on my grave,
The staring likeness of a bottle of oil.

MAID.
O lucky People, and O happy me,
And O my mistress, luckiest of us all,
And ye who now are standing at our door,
And all our neighbours, aye and all our town,
And I’m a lucky waiting-maid, who now
Have had my head with unguents rich and rare
Perfumed and bathed ; but far surpassing all
Are those sweet flagons full of Thasian wine.
Their fragrance long keeps lingering in the head,
Whilst all the rest evaporate and fade.
There’s nothing half so good; great gods, not half!
Choose the most fragrant, mix it neat and raw,
’Twill make us merry all the whole night through.
But tell me, ladies, where my master is ;
I mean, the husband of my honoured mistress.

CHORUS.
If you stay here, methinks you’ll find him soon.

MAID.
Aye, here he comes. He’s off to join the dinner.
O master, O you lucky, lucky man !

BLEPYRUS.
What I?

MAID.
Yes you, by Zeus, you luckiest man.
What greater bliss than yours, who, out of more
Than thrice ten thousand citizens, alone,
Have managed, you alone, to get no dinner ?

CHORUS.
You tell of a happy man, and no mistake.

MAID.
Hi! Hi! where now?

BLEPYRUS.
I’m off to join the dinner.

MAID.
And much the last of all, by Aphrodite.
Well, well, my mistress bade me take you, sir,
You and these little girls and bring you thither.
Aye, and there’s store of Chian wine remaining,
And other dainties too ; so don’t delay.
And all the audience who are well disposed,
And every judge who looks not otherwards,
Come on with us; we’ll freely give you all.

BLEPYRUS.
Nay, no exceptions ; open wide your mouth,
Invite them all in free and generous style,
Boy, stripling, grandsire ; yea, announce that all
Shall find a table all prepared and spread
For their enjoyment, in—their own sweet homes.
But I! I’ll hurry off to join the feast,
And here at least I’ve got a torch all handy.

CHORUS.
Then why so long keep lingering here, nor take
These little ladies down? And as you go,
I’ll sing a song, a Lay of Lay-the-dinner.
But first, a slight suggestion to the judges.
Let the wise and philosophic
choose me for my wisdom’s sake,
Those who joy in mirth and laughter
choose me for the jests I make ;
Then with hardly an exception
every vote I’m bound to win.
Let it nothing tell against me,
that my play must first begin ;
See that, through the afterpieces,
back to me your memory strays ;
Keep your oaths, and well and truly
judge between the rival plays.
Be not like the wanton women,
never mindful of the past,
Always for the new admirer,
always fondest of the last.
Now ’tis time, ’tis time, ’tis time,
Sisters dear, ’tis time for certain,
if we mean the thing to do,
To the public feast to hasten.
Therefore foot it neatly, you,
First throw up your right leg, so,
Then the left, and away to go,
Cretan measure.