Lines 700–909

BDELYCLEON.
And you, the lord of such countless towns,
from Pontus to Sardo, nought obtain
Save this poor pittance you earn, and this
they dole you in driblets, grain by grain,
As though they were dropping oil from wool,
as much forsooth as will life sustain.
They MEAN you all to be poor and gaunt,
and I’ll tell you, father, the reason why.
They want you to know your keeper’s hand;
and then if he hiss you on to fly
At some helpless foe, away you go,
with eager vehemence ready and rough.
Since if they wished to maintain you well,
the way to do it were plain enough.
A thousand cities our rule obey,
a thousand cities their tribute pay,
Allot them twenty Athenians each,
to feed and nourish from day to day,
And twice ten thousand citizens there,
are living immersed in dishes of hare,
With creams and beestings and sumptuous fare,
and garlands and coronals everywhere,
Enjoying a fate that is worthy the state,
and worthy the trophy on Marathon plain.
Whilst now like gleaners ye all are fain
to follow along in the paymaster’s train.

PHILOCLEON.
O what can this strange sensation mean,
this numbness that over my hand is stealing?
My arm no longer can hold the sword:
I yield, unmanned, to a womanish feeling.

BDELYCLEON.
Let a panic possess them, they’re ready to give
Euboea at once for the State to divide,
And engage to supply for every man
full fifty bushels of wheat beside.
But five poor bushels of barley each
is all that you ever obtained in fact,
And that doled out by the quart, while first
they worry you under the Alien Act.
And therefore it was that I locked you away
To keep you in ease; unwilling that these
With empty mouthings your age should bilk.
And now I offer you here to-day
Without any reserve whatever you please,
Save only a draught of—Treasurer’s milk.

CHORUS.
’Twas a very acute and intelligent man,
whoever it was, that happened to say,
Don’t make up your mind till you’ve heard both sides,
for now I protest you have gained the fray.
Our staves of justice, our angry mood,
for ever and ever aside we lay,
And we turn to talk to our old compeer,
our choir-companion of many a day.
Don’t be a fool: give in, give in,
Nor too perverse and stubborn be;
I would to Heaven my kith and kin
Would show the like regard for me.
Some deity, ’tis plain, befriends
Your happy lot, believe, believe it;
With open arms his aid he sends,
Do you with open arms receive it.

BDELYCLEON.
I’ll give him whatever his years require,
A basin of gruel, and soft attire,
And a good warm rug, and a handmaid fair,
To chafe and cherish his limbs with care.
—But I can’t like this, that he stands so mute,
And speaks not a word nor regards my suit.

CHORUS.
’Tis that his soberer thoughts review
The frenzy he indulged so long,
And (what he would not yield to you)
He feels his former life was wrong.
Perchance he’ll now amend his plan,
Unbend his age to mirth and laughter,
A better and a wiser man
By your advice he’ll live hereafter.

PHILOCLEON.
O misery! O misery!

BDELYCLEON.
O father, why that dolorous cry?

PHILOCLEON.
Talk not of things like these to me!
Those are my pleasures, there would I be
Where the Usher cries
Who has not voted? let him arise.
And O that the last of the voting band
By the verdict-box I could take my stand.
On, on, my soul! why, where is she gone?
Hah! by your leave, my shadowy one!
Zounds, if I catch when in Court I’m sitting
Cleon again a theft committing!

BDELYCLEON.
O father, father, by the Gods comply.

PHILOCLEON.
Comply with what? name any wish, save one.

BDELYCLEON.
Save what, I prithee?

PHILOCLEON.
Not to judge; but that
Hades shall settle ere my soul comply.

BDELYCLEON.
Well but if these are really your delights,
Yet why go There? why not remain at home
And sit and judge among your household here?

PHILOCLEON.
Folly! judge what?

BDELYCLEON.
The same as There you do.
Suppose you catch your housemaid on the sly
Opening the door: fine her for that, one drachma.
That’s what you did at every sitting There.
And very aptly, if the morning’s fine,
You’ll fine your culprits, sitting in the sun.
In snow, enter your judgements by the fire
While it rains on: and—though you sleep till midday,
No archon here will close the door against you.

PHILOCLEON.
Hah! I like that.

BDELYCLEON.
And then, however long
An orator proses on, no need to fast,
Worrying yourself (ay, and the prisoner too).

PHILOCLEON.
But do you really think that I can judge
As well as now, whilst eating and digesting?

BDELYCLEON.
As well? much better. When there’s reckless
swearing,
Don’t people say, what time and thought and trouble
It took the judges to digest the case?

PHILOCLEON.
I’m giving in. But you’ve not told me yet
How I’m to get my pay.

BDELYCLEON.
I’ll pay you.

PHILOCLEON.
Good,
Then I shall have mine to myself, alone;
For once Lysistratus, the funny fool,
Played me the scurviest trick. We’d got one drachma
Betwixt us two: he changed it at the fish-stall;
Then laid me down three mullet scales: and I,
I thought them obols, popped them in my mouth;
O the vile smell! Ola! I spat them out
And collared him.

BDELYCLEON.
And what said he?

PHILOCLEON.
The rascal!
He said I’d got the stomach of a cock.
You’ll soon digest hard coin, he says, says he.

BDELYCLEON.
Then there again you’ll get a great advantage.

PHILOCLEON.
Ay, ay, that’s something: let’s begin at once.

BDELYCLEON.
Then stop a moment whilst I fetch the traps.

PHILOCLEON.
See here now, how the oracles come true.
Oft have I heard it said that the Athenians
One day would try their lawsuits in their homes,
That each would have a little Courtlet built
For his own use, in his own porch, before
His entrance, like a shrine of Hecate.

BDELYCLEON.
[Bustling in with a quantity of judicial properties]
Now then I hope you’re satisfied: I’ve brought
All that I promised, and a lot besides.
See here I’ll hang this vessel on a peg,
In case you want it as the suit proceeds.

PHILOCLEON.
Now that I call extremely kind and thoughtful,
And wondrous handy for an old man’s needs.

BDELYCLEON.
And here’s a fire, and gruel set beside it,
All ready when you want it.

PHILOCLEON.
Good again.
Now if I’m feverish I shan’t lose my pay,
For here I’ll sit, and sip my gruel too.
But why in the world have ye brought me out the cock?

BDELYCLEON.
To wake you, father, crowing over head
In case you’re dozing whilst a prisoner pleads.

PHILOCLEON.
One thing I miss, and only one.

BDELYCLEON.
What’s that?

PHILOCLEON.
If you could somehow fetch the shrine of Lycus!

BDELYCLEON.
Here then it is, and here’s the king in person.

PHILOCLEON.
O hero lord, how stern you are to see!

BDELYCLEON.
Almost, methinks, like our—Cleonymus.

XANTHIAS.
Ay, and ’tis true the hero has no shield!

BDELYCLEON.
If you got seated sooner, I should sooner
Call a suit on.

PHILOCLEON.
Call on, I’ve sat for ages.

BDELYCLEON.
Let’s see: what matter shall I bring on first?
Who’s been at mischief of the household here?
That careless Thratta now, she charred the pitcher.

PHILOCLEON.
O stop, for goodness’ sake! you’ve all but killed me.
What! call a suit on with no railing here,
Always the first of all our sacred things?

BDELYCLEON.
No more there is, by Zeus.

PHILOCLEON.
I’ll run myself
And forage out whatever comes to hand.

BDELYCLEON.
Heyday! where now? The strange infatuation!

XANTHIAS.
Psha! rot the dog! To keep a cur like this!

BDELYCLEON.
What’s happened now?

XANTHIAS.
Why, has not Labes here
Got to the kitchen safe, and grabbed a cheese,
A rich Sicilian cheese, and bolted it?

BDELYCLEON.
Then that’s the first indictment we’ll bring on
Before my father: you shall prosecute.

XANTHIAS.
Thank you, not I. This other Cur declares
If there’s a charge, he’ll prosecute with pleasure.

BDELYCLEON.
Bring them both here.

XANTHIAS.
Yes, yes, sir, so I will.

BDELYCLEON.
[To Phil.] Hallo, what’s this?

PHILOCLEON.
Pig-railings from the hearth.

BDELYCLEON.
Sacrilege, eh?

PHILOCLEON.
No, but I’d trounce some fellow
(As the phrase goes) even from the very hearth.
So call away: I’m keen for passing sentence.

BDELYCLEON.
Then now I’ll fetch the cause-lists and the pleadings.

PHILOCLEON.
O these delays! You weary and wear me out.
I’ve long been dying to commence my furrows.

BDELYCLEON.
Now then!

PHILOCLEON.
Call on.

BDELYCLEON.
Yes, certainly.

PHILOCLEON.
And who
Is first in order?

BDELYCLEON.
Dash it, what a bother!
I quite forgot to bring the voting-urns.

PHILOCLEON.
Goodness! where now?

BDELYCLEON.
After the urns.

PHILOCLEON.
Don’t trouble,
I’d thought of that. I’ve got these ladling-bowls.

BDELYCLEON.
That’s capital: then now methinks we have
All that we want. No, there’s no water-piece.

PHILOCLEON.
Water-piece, quotha! pray what call you this?

BDELYCLEON.
Well thought on, father: and with shrewd home wit.
Ho, there within! some person bring me out
A pan of coals, and frankincense, and myrtle,
That so our business may commence with prayer.

CHORUS.
We too, as ye offer the prayer and wine,
We too will call on the Powers Divine
To prosper the work begun;
For the battle is over and done,
And out of the fray and the strife to-day
Fair peace ye have nobly won.

BDELYCLEON.
Now hush all idle words and sounds profane.

CHORUS.
O Pythian Phoebus, bright Apollo, deign
To speed this youth’s design
Wrought here, these gates before,
And give us from our wanderings rest
And peace for evermore.
[The shout of Io Paean is raised.]

BDELYCLEON.
Aguieus! my neighbour and hero and lord!
who dwellest in front of my vestibule gate,
I pray thee be graciously pleased to accept
the rite that we new for my father create.
O bend to a pliant and flexible mood
the stubborn and resolute oak of his will,
And into his heart, so crusty and tart,
a trifle of honey for syrup instil.
Endue him with sympathies wide,
A sweet and humane disposition,
Which leans to the side of the wretch that is tried,
And weeps at a culprit’s petition.
From harshness and anger to turn,
May it now be his constant endeavour,
And out of his temper the stern
Sharp sting of the nettle to sever.

CHORUS.
We in thy prayers combine, and quite give in
To the new rule, for the aforesaid reasons.
Our heart has stood our friend
And loved you, since we knew
That you affect the people more
Than other young men do.

BDELYCLEON.
Is any Justice out there? let him enter.
We shan’t admit him when they’ve once begun.

PHILOCLEON.
Where is the prisoner fellow? won’t he catch it!

BDELYCLEON.
O yes! attention! [Reads the indictment]
Cur of Cydathon
Hereby accuses Labes of Aexone,
For that, embezzling a Sicilian cheese,
Alone he ate it. Fine, one fig-tree collar.

PHILOCLEON.
Nay, but a dog’s death, an’ he’s once convicted.

BDELYCLEON.
Here stands, to meet the charge, the prisoner Labes,

PHILOCLEON.
O the vile wretch! O what a thievish look!
See how he grins, and thinks to take me in.
Where’s the Accuser, Cur of Cydathon?

CUR.
Bow!

BDELYCLEON.
Here he stands.

XANTHIAS.
Another Labes this,
Good dog to yelp and lick the platters clean.

BDELYCLEON.
St! take your seat. [To Cur]
Go up and prosecute.

PHILOCLEON.
Meanwhile I’ll ladle out and sip my gruel.

XANTHIAS.
Ye have heard the charge, most honourable judges,
I bring against him. Scandalous the trick