Act V, Scene I

BAILY.
I can perceive none other, I speak it from my heart,
But either ye are in all the fault, or else in the greatest part.

DOCTOR RAT.
If it be counted his fault, besides all his griefs,
When a poor man is spoiled, and beaten among thieves,
Then I confess my fault herein, at this season;
But I hope you will not judge so much against reason.

BAILY.
And, methinks, by your own tale, of all that ye name,
If any played the thief, you were the very same.
The women they did nothing, as your words made probation,
But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.
If that a thief at your window to enter should begin,
Would you hold forth your hand and help to pull him in?
Or you would keep him out? I pray you answer me.

DOCTOR RAT.
Marry, keep him out! and a good cause why!
But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned clerk.

BAILY.
Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you in the dark?
I am sure your learning shines not out at your nose!
Was it any marvel, though the poor woman arose
And start up, being afraid of that was in her purse?
Me-think you may be glad that your luck was no worse.

DOCTOR RAT.
Is not this evil enough, I pray you, as you think?

[Showing his broken head.]

BAILY.
Yea, but a man in the dark, if chances do wink,
As soon he smites his father as any other man,
Because for lack of light discern him he ne can.
Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?

DOCTOR RAT.
I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the
brain.
If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks.

BAILY.
By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks!
To come in on the back side, when ye might go about!
I know none such, unless they long to have their brains knock'd out.

DOCTOR RAT.
Well, will you be so good, sir, as talk with dame Chat.
And know what she intended? I ask no more but that.

BAILY.
Let her be called, fellow, because of
Master Doctor [to Scapethrift],
I warrant in this case she will be her own proctor;
She will tell her own tale in metre or in prose,
And bid you seek your remedy, and so go wipe your nose.