Act III, Scene VII

Enter EUCLIO, from his house, driving the Cooks and the Music-Girl before him.

EUC. (calling out, while Congeio and the others are running off). Come back! Where are you running to, now? Hold you!

CON. Why are you crying out, you stupid?

EUC. Because this instant I shall give your name to the Triumvirs.

CON. Why?

EUC. Because you've got a knife.

CON. 'Tis the proper thing for a cook.

EUC. Why did you threaten me?

CON. I think that it was badly managed, that I didn't pierce your side with it.

EUC. There's not a person that's living this day a greater rascal than you, nor one to whom designedly I would with greater pleasure cause a mischief.

CON. I' faith, though you should hold your noise, really that's quite clear; the thing itself is its own witness. As it is, I'm made softer by far with your sticks than any ballet-dancer. But what right have you to touch us, you beggar-man? What's the matter?

EUC. Do you even ask me? Is it that I've done less than I ought to have done? Only let me--(Is going to strike him.)

CON. Now, by my faith, at your great peril, if this head should feel it!

EUC. Troth, I don't know what may happen hereafter; your head feels it just now! But what business, pray, had you in my house, in my absence, unless I had ordered you? I want to know that.

CON. Hold your noise, then; because we came to cook for the wedding.

EUC. Why the plague do you trouble yourself whether I eat meat raw or cooked, unless you are my tutor.

CON. I want to know if you will allow or not allow us to cook the dinner here?

EUC. I, too, want to know whether my property will be safe in my house.

CON. I only wish to carry the things away safe that I brought here! I don't care for yours; should I be coveting your things?

EUC. I understand; don't teach me; I know.

CON. What is it, on account of which you now hinder us from cooking the dinner here? What have we done? What have we said to you otherwise than you could wish?

EUC. Do you even ask me, you rascally fellow? You who've been making a thoroughfare of every corner of my house, and the places under lock and key? If you had stopped by the fireside, where it was your business, you wouldn't have had your head broken. It has been done for you deservedly. Therefore that you may now know my determination; if you come nearer to the door here, unless I order you, I'll make you to be the most wretched of creatures. Do you now know my determination? (He goes into his house.)

CON. Where are you going? Come you back again! So may Laverna love me well, I'll expose you at once with loud abuse here before the house, if you don't order my utensils to be restored to me! What shall I do now? Verily, by my faith, I came here with unlucky auspices; I was hired for a didrachm; I stand in more need now of a surgeon than of wages.