Act V, Scene III

Enter Menaechmus of Epidamnus.

Men. (to himself). By my faith, this day has certainly fallen out perverse and adverse for me, since the Parasite, who has filled me full of disgrace and terror, has made that all known, which I supposed I was doing secretly; my own Ulysses, who has brought so great evil on his king--a fellow that, by my troth, if I only live, I'll soon finish his life. But I'm a fool, who call that his, which is my own. With my own victuals and at my own expense has he been supported; of existence will I deprive the fellow. But the Courtesan has done this in a way worthy of her, just as the harlot's habit is: because I ask for the mantle, that it may be returned again to my wife, she declares that she has given it me. O dear! By my faith, I do live a wretched man.

Old Man (apart). Do you hear what he says?

Doct. (apart). He declares that he is wretched.

Old Man (apart). I wish you to accost him.

Doct. (going up to him). Save you, Menaechmus. Prithee, why do you bare your arm? Don't you know how much mischief you are now doing to that disease of yours?

Men. Why don't you go hang yourself?

Old Man. What think you now? Doct. What shouldn't I think? This case can't be treated with even ointment of hellebore. But what have you to say, Menaechmus?

Men. What do you want? Doct. Tell me this that I ask of you; do you drink white wine or dark-coloured?

Men. What need have you to enquire?

Doct. * * * *

Men. Why don't you go to utter perdition?

Old Man. Troth, he's now beginning to be attacked with the fit.

Men. Why don't you ask whether I'm wont to eat dark bread, or purple, or yellow? Or whether I'm wont to eat birds with scales, or fish with wings?

Old Man. Dear, dear! (To Doctor.) Don't you hear how deliriously he talks? Why do you delay to give him something by way of a potion, before his raving overtakes him?

Doct. Stop a little; I'll question him on some other matters as well.

Old Man. You are killing me by your prating.

Doct. (to Menaechmus). Tell me this; are your eyes ever in the habit of becoming hard?

Men. What? Do you take me to be a locust, you most worthless fellow?

Doct. Tell me, now, do your bowels ever rumble that you know of?

Men. When I'm full, they don't rumble at all; when I'm hungry, then they do rumble.

Doct. I' faith, he really gave me that answer not like an insane person. Do you always sleep soundly until daylight? Do you easily go to sleep when in bed?

Men. I sleep throughout if * * * * I go to sleep if I have paid my money to him to whom I owe it.

Doct. * * * *

Men. (to the Doctor). May Jupiter and all the Divinities confound you, you questioner.

Doct. (aside). Now this person begins to rave. (To the Old Man.) From those expressions do you take care of yourself.

Old Man. Why, he's now really quite favourable in his language, in comparison with what he was a short time since; for, a little while ago, he was saying that his wife was a raving cur.

Men. What did I say? Old Man. You were raving, I say.

Men. What, I? Old Man. You there; who threatened as well to ride me down with your yoked steeds.

Men. * * * *

Old Man. I myself saw you do this; I myself accuse you of this.

Men. And I know that you stole the sacred crown of Jupiter; and that on that account you were confined in prison; and after you were let out, I know that you were beaten with rods in the bilboes; I know, too, that you murdered your father and sold your mother. Don't I give this abuse in answer for your abuse, like a sane person?

Old Man. I' faith, Doctor, whatever you are about to do, prithee, do it quickly. Don't you see that the man is raving?

Doct. Do you know what's the best for you to do? Have him taken to my house.

Old Man. Do you think so? Doct. Why should I not? There at my own discretion I shall be able to treat the man.

Old Man. Do just as you please. Doct. (to Menaechmus). I'll make you drink hellebore some twenty days.

Men. But, hanging up, I'll flog you with a whip for thirty days.

Doct. (to the Old Man). Go fetch some men to take him off to my house.

Old Man. How many are sufficient?

Doct. Since I see him thus raving, four, no less.

Old Man. They shall be here this instant. Do you keep an eye on him, Doctor.

Doct. Why, no, I shall go home that the things may be got ready, which are necessary to be prepared. Bid your servants carry him to my house.

Old Man. I'll make him be there just now.

Doct. I'm off. Old Man. Farewell.

(Exeunt Old Man and Doctor, separately.

Men. My father-in-law is gone, the Doctor is gone; I'm alone. O Jupiter! Why is it that these people say I'm mad? Why, in fact, since I was born, I have never for a single day been ill. I'm neither mad, nor do I commence strifes or quarrels. In health myself, I see others well; I know people, I address them. Is it that they who falsely say I'm mad, are mad themselves? What shall I do now? I wish to go home; but my wife doesn't allow me; and here (pointing to Erotium's house) no one admits me. Most unfortunately has this fallen out. Here will I still remain; at night, at least, I shall be let into the house, I trust. (Stands near his door.)