The Switch for Hiram Brown

That Hiram Brown he come to school and brung in seven ticks;
He picked them off his father's sheep--jes' like his dratted tricks!
One day that critter put a toad right in our teacher's chair,
She squatted down--and then got up! And warn't she mad for fair?
He brung in crawly bugs and things, a mouse and onct a rat,
An' then he sort o' wound things up with suthin' wusser'n that.
The teacher cotched him that time, though, and my! she combed him down
An' I was sent to cut the switch that walloped
Hiram Brown.
Them ticks was in a pill-box doctor left when
Bill was sick,
An' they was measly lookin' things;--say, j'ever see a tick?
While we was readin' testermunt Hi stirred
'em with a pin,
--We all was wond'rin' what he'd got, for he was on the grin.
Then when the teacher turned her back, Hi made for Ozy Blair
An' turned the whole blamed seven ticks right loose in Ozy's hair.
Then Ozy had a spasm fit like what he's subjick to;
He squalled and clawed and bumped around till he was black an' blue.
An' teacher took her fine-toothed comb an' raked an' scraped his head,
--It come nigh bustin' up the school that way that he raised Ned!
The teacher made us all set up as stiff and straight as sticks,
An' then says she, all raspy-like, "Who was it brung them ticks?"
We couldn't help it--swow to man!--We looked at Hiram Brown
An' Hi he set there redd'nin' up and sort o' lookin' down.
An' teacher sniffed an' then she scowled an' giv' her sleeves a twitch,
An' turned to me an' then says she, "Ike, go an' cut a switch."
'Twas dretful nice outdoors that day--it set a feller wishin'
That he could cut an' run from school an' put his time in fishin'.
'Twas one them soft'nin' sort of days an' while
I was a-pickin'
A switch, it come acrost me what a shame to git a lickin'
On such a mighty pleasant day. So I shinned up a tree
An' cut a slimpsy popple switch that wouldn't hurt a flea.
Then I went in--there teacher was, a-waitin' by the door,
The scholars set as still as death an' Bill stood in the floor.
But how they snickered when they see that dinky little switch,
--The teacher broke it up on me an' giv' my ear a twitch,
Says she, "You try that on agin, you'll git it worse, you clown!
Now go, an' see'f you know enough to cut that switch for Brown."
Seems's if it warn't so nice outdoors. It kind o' stirred my mad
To divvy up that way with Hi--'Cause 'twasn't me 'twas bad!
Says I, "By jing, I'll even up." I took my biggest blade
An' cut a switch that, honest true, it almost made me 'fraid.
I didn't trim it very dus'--by snummy, I felt wicked,
I left the knobs all stickin' out--an' some of 'em was pick-ed.
I passed 'er in. The teacher she ker-wished it through the air,
An' Hi he shivered; 'twas enough to fairly curl his hair.
She fixed her hairpins so's her pug it couldn't tumble down,
An' then says she, like bitin' nails, "Take off your coat, Hi Brown."
Then Hiram Brown he got right down an' begged an' teased an' prayed,
She hit him once--an easy clip--an' then he fairly brayed.
He acted out in master style;--why, sence he's come of age
He's makin' money like all sin, play-actin' on the stage.
Our teacher was an easy mark--the tender hearted kind--
When Hiram got to takin on she went and changed her mind.
Says she, "You've been a naughty boy but if you now repent
I'll spare the rod but punish you in this way."
Jee, she went
An' sent that Hi acrost the room to sit with
Helen Dean,
The girl I liked the best in school; an' Hi was jest serene!
That warn't the wust, for after school he licked me like the deuce
Because I left them knobs all on. Oh, thunder, what's the use
Of tryin' to be good, sometimes? I know it's wicked talk
To intimate that vice may ride when virtue has to walk;
To hint that folks of honest ways but moderate in wits
May have their noses rubbed in dirt by rascal hypocrites,
But truly, friends, it does appear that only martyrs' crowns
Are passed to worth down here on earth;--the rest to Hiram Browns.