Act I, Scene II

Enter Menaechmus of Epidamnus, from his house.

Men. (speaking at the door to his Wife within). Unless you were worthless, unless you were foolish, unless you were stark wild and an idiot, that which you see is disagreable to your husband, you would deem to be so to yourself as well. Moreover, if after this day you do any such thing to me, I'll force you, a divorced woman, turned out of my doors to go visit your father. For as often as I wish to go out of the house, you are detaining me, calling me back, asking me questions: whither I am going, what matter I am about, what business I am transacting, what I am wanting, what I am bringing, what I have been doing out of doors? I've surely brought home a custom-house officer as my wife; so much am I obliged to disclose all my business, whatever I have done and am doing. I've had you hitherto indulged too much. Now, therefore, I'll tell you how I am about to act. Since I find you handsomely in maids, provisions, wool, gold trinkets, garments, and purple, and you are wanting in nought, you'll beware of a mischief if you're wise; you'll leave off watching your husband. (In a lower voice.) And therefore, that you mayn't be watching me in vain, for your pains I shall find me a mistress to-day, and invite her to dinner somewhere out of doors.

Pen. (apart). This fellow pretends that he's upbraiding his wife, but he's addressing myself; for if he does dine out of doors, he really is punishing me, not his wife.

Men. (to himself). Hurra! I' troth, by my taunts I've driven my wife from the door at last. Where now are your intriguing husbands? Why do they hesitate, all returning thanks, to bring presents to me who have fought so gallantly? This mantle of my wife's (taking it from under his cloak) I've just now stolen from in-doors, and I'm taking it to my mistress. This way it's proper for a clever trick to be played this knowing husband-watcher. This is a becoming action, this is right, this is skilful, this is done in workman-like style; inasmuch as at my own risk I've taken this from my plague, this same shall be carried off to destruction. With the safety of my allies I've gained a booty from the foe.

Pen. (aloud, at a distance). Harkye! young man; pray what share have I in that booty?

Men. I'm undone; I've fallen into an ambuscade.

Pen. Say a safeguard rather. Don't be afraid.

Men. What person's this? Pen. 'Tis I. (Coming up to him.)

Men. O my convenient friend--O my ready occasion, save you.

Pen. And save you. (They shake hands.) Men. What are you about?

Pen. Holding my good Genius in my right hand.

Men. You couldn't have come to me more a propos than you have come.

Men. I'm in the habit of doing so; I understand all the points of ready occasion.

Men. Would you like to be witness of a brilliant exploit?

Pen. What cook has cooked it? I shall know at once if he has made any mistake, when I see the remnants.

Men. Tell me--did you ever see a picture painted on a wall, where the eagle is carrying off Ganymede, or Venus Adonis?

Pen. Many a time. But what are these pictures to me?

Men. Come, look at me. Do I at all bear any resemblance to them?

Pen. What's this garb of yours?

Men. Pronounce me to be a very clever fellow,

Pen. Where are we to feed? Men. Only do you say that which I requested you.

Pen. Well, I do say so; very clever fellow.

Men. And don't you venture to add anything of your own to it?

Pen.--And very pleasant fellow. Men. Go on.

Pen. I' faith, I really can't go on, unless I know for what reason. You've had a fall-out with your wife; on that ground am I the more strongly on my guard against you.

Men. While you are interrupting me, you are delaying yourself.

Pen. Knock out my only eye, Menaechmus, if I speak one word but what you bid me.

Men. * * * * where, unknown to my wife, we will erect the funeral pile * * * * and let us consume this day upon it.

Pen. Well, come then, since you request what's fair, how soon am I to set fire to the pile? Why really, the day's half dead already down to its navel.

Men. Come this way from the door.

Pen. Be it so. (Moves from the door.) Men. Come still more this way.

Pen. Very well. (Moves.) Men. Even still, step aside boldly from the lioness's den.

Pen. (still moving). Well done; by my troth, as I fancy, you really would be an excellent charioteer.

Men. Why so? Pen. That your wife mayn't follow you, you are looking back ever and anon.

Men. But what say you? Pen. What, I? Why, whatever you choose, that same do I say, and that same do I deny.

Men. Could you make any conjecture at all from the smell, if perchance you were to take a smell at something?

Pen. Were the college of Augurs summoned * * * *

Men. (holds out the skirt of the mantle). Come then, take a sniff at this mantle that I'm holding. What does it smell of? Do you decline?

Pen. It's as well to smell the top of a woman's garment; for at this other place the nose is offended with an odour that can't be washed out.

Men. (holding another part). Take a smell here then, Peniculus, as you are so daintily nice.

Pen. Very well. (He smells it.) Men. How now? What does it smell of? Answer me.

Pen. Theft, a mistress, and a breakfast. To you * * * *

Men. You have spoken out * * * * now it shall be taken to this mistress of mine the Courtesan Erotium. I'll order a breakfast at once to be got ready, for me, you, and her; then will we booze away even to the morrow's morning star.

Pen. Capital. You've spoken out distinctly. Am I to knock at the door then?

Men. Knock--or hold, rather. Pen. You've removed the goblet a full mile by that.

Men. Knock gently. Pen. You're afraid, I think, that the doors are made of Samian crockery. (Goes to knock.)

Men. Hold, prithee, hold, i' faith; see, she's coming out herself. (The door of Erotium's house is opened.) Ha you behold the sun, is it not quite darkened in comparison with the bright rays of her person.