Act V, Scene I

Enter DEMIPHO and CHREMES, from DEMIPHO’S house.

DEM. I do give and return hearty thanks to the Gods, and with reason, brother, inasmuch as these matters have turned out for us so fortunately. We must now meet with Phormio as soon as possible, before he squanders our thirty minæ, so that we may get them from him.

Enter PHORMIO, coming forward, and speaking aloud, as though not seeing them.

PHOR. I’ll go see if Demipho’s at home; that as to what--

DEM. (accosting him.) Why, Phormio, we were coming to you.

PHOR. Perhaps about the very same affair. (DEMIPHO nods assent.) I’ faith, I thought so. What were you coming to my house for? Ridiculous; are you afraid that I sha’n’t do what I have once undertaken? Hark you, whatever is my poverty, still, of this one thing I have taken due care, not to forfeit my word.

CHREM. (to DEMIPHO.) Is she not genteel-looking, just as I told you?

DEM. Very much so.

PHOR. And this is what I’m come to tell you, Demipho, that I’m quite ready; whenever you please, give me my wife. For I postponed all my other business, as was fit I should, when I understood that you were so very desirous to have it so.

DEM. (pointing to CHREMES.) But he has dissuaded me from giving her to you. “For what,” says he, “will be the talk among people if you do this? Formerly, when she might have been handsomely disposed of, then she wasn’t given; now it’s a disgrace for her to be turned out of doors, a repudiated woman;” pretty nearly, in fact, all the reasons which you yourself, some little time since, were urging to me.

PHOR. Upon my faith, you are treating me in a very insulting manner.

DEM. How so?

PHOR. Do you ask me? Because I shall not be able to marry the other person I mentioned; for with what face shall I return to her whom I’ve slighted?

CHREM. Then besides, I see that Antipho is unwilling to part with her. (Aside, prompting DEMIPHO.) Say so.

DEM. Then besides, I see that my son is very unwilling to part with the damsel. But have the goodness to step over to the Forum, and order this money to be transferred to my account, Phormio.

PHOR. What, when I’ve paid it over to the persons to whom I was indebted?

DEM. What’s to be done, then?

PHOR. If you will let me have her for a wife, as you promised, I’ll take her; but if you prefer that she should stay with you, the portion must stay with me, Demipho. For it isn’t fair that I should be misled for you, as it was for your own sakes that I broke off with the other woman, who was to have brought me a portion just as large.

DEM. Away with you to utter perdition, with this swaggering, you vagabond. What, then, do you fancy we don’t know you, or your doings?

PHOR. You are provoking me.

DEM. Would you have married her, if she had been given to you?

PHOR. Try the experiment.

DEM. That my son might cohabit with her at your house, that was your design.

PHOR. Pray, what is that you say?

DEM. Then do you give me my money?

PHOR. Nay, but do you give me my wife?

DEM. Come before a magistrate. (Going to seize hold of him.)

PHOR. Why, really, if you persist in being troublesome----

DEM. What will you do?

PHOR. What, I? You fancy, perhaps, just now, that I am the protector of the portionless; for the well portioned, I’m in the habit of being so as well.

CHREM. What’s that to us?

PHOR. (with a careless air.) Nothing at all. I know a certain lady here (pointing at CHREMES’S house) whose husband had----

CHREM. (starting.) Ha!

DEM. What’s the matter?

PHOR. Another wife at Lemnos--

CHREM. (aside.) I’m ruined!

PHOR. By whom he had a daughter; and her he is secretly bringing up.

CHREM. (aside.) I’m dead and buried!

PHOR. This I shall assuredly now inform her of. (Walks toward the house.)

CHREM. (running and catching hold of him.) I beg of you, don’t do so.

PHOR. (with a careless air.) Oh, were you the person?

DEM. What a jest he’s making of us.

CHREM. (to PHORMIO.) We’ll let you off.

PHOR. Nonsense.

CHREM. What would you have? We’ll forgive you the money you’ve got.

PHOR. I hear you. Why the plague, then, do you two trifle with me in this way, you silly men, with your childish speeches-- “I won’t, and I will; I will, and I won’t,” over again: “keep it, give it me back; what has been said, is unsaid; what had been just a bargain, is now no bargain.”

CHREM. (aside, to DEMIPHO.) In what manner, or from whom has he come to know of this?

DEM. (aside.) I don’t know; but that I’ve told it to no one, I know for certain.

CHREM. (aside.) So may the Gods bless me, ’tis as good as a miracle.

PHOR. (aside, to himself.) I’ve graveled them.

DEM. (apart, to CHREMES.) Well now, is he to be carrying off from us such a sum of money as this, and so palpably to impose upon us? By heavens, I’d sooner die. Manage to show yourself of resolute and ready wit. You see that this slip of yours has got abroad, and that you can not now possibly conceal it from your wife; it is then more conducive to our quiet, Chremes, ourselves to disclose what she will be hearing from others; and then, in our own fashion, we shall be able to take vengeance upon this dirty fellow.

PHOR. (aside, to himself.) Good lack-a-day, now’s the sticking-point, if I don’t look out for myself. They are making toward me with a gladiatorial air.

CHREM. (apart, to DEMIPHO.) But I doubt whether it’s possible for her to be appeased.

DEM. (apart, to CHREMES.) Be of good courage; I’ll effect a reconciliation between you; remembering this, Chremes, that she is dead and gone by whom you had this girl.

PHOR. (in a loud voice.) Is this the way you are going to deal with me? Very cleverly done. Come on with you. By heavens, Demipho, you have provoked me, not to his advantage (pointing at CHREMES). How say you? (addressing CHREMES). When you’ve been doing abroad just as you pleased, and have had no regard for this excellent lady here, but on the contrary, have been injuring her in an unheard-of manner, would you be coming to me with prayers to wash away your offenses? On telling her of this, I’ll make her so incensed with you, that you sha’n’t quench her, though you should melt away into tears.

DEM. (aside.) A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him. That any fellow should be possessed of so much impudence! Does not this villain deserve to be transported hence to some desolate land at the public charge?

CHREM. (aside.) I am brought to such a pass, that I really don’t know what to do in it.

DEM. I know; let’s go into court.

PHOR. Into court? Here in preference (pointing to CHREMES’S house), if it suits you in any way. (Moves toward the house.)

DEM. (to CHREMES.) Follow him, and hold him back, till I call out the servants.

CHREM. (trying to seize PHORMIO.) But I can’t by myself; run and help me.

PHOR. (to DEMIPHO, who seizes hold of him.) There’s one action of damages against you.

CHREM. Sue him at law, then.

PHOR. And another with you, Chremes.

DEM. Lay hold of him. (They both drag him.)

PHOR. Is it thus you do? Why then I must exert my voice: Nausistrata, come out (calling aloud).

CHREM. (to DEMIPHO.) Stop his mouth.

DEM. See how strong the rascal is.

PHOR. (calling aloud.) Nausistrata, I say.

CHREM. Will you not hold your tongue?

PHOR. Hold my tongue?

DEM. (to CHREMES, as they drag him along.) If he won’t follow, plant your fists in his stomach.

PHOR. Or e’en gouge out an eye. The time’s coming when I shall have a full revenge on you.