Lines 637–738

BLEPYRUS.
If in vain to distinguish our children we seek,
Pray what will become of the agéd and weak ?
At present, I own, though a father be known,
Sons throttle and choke him with hearty goodwill ;
But will they not do it more cheerily still,
When the sonship is doubtful ?

PRAXAGORA.
No, certainly not.
For now if a boy should a parent annoy,
The lads who are near will of course interfere ;
For they may themselves be his children, I wot.

BLEPYRUS.
In much that you say there is much to admire ;
But what if Leucolophus claim me for sire,
Or vile Epicurus? I think you’ll agree
That a great and unbearable nuisance ’twould be.

CHREMES.
A nuisance much greater than this might befall you.

BLEPYRUS.
Howso?

CHREMES.
If the skunk Aristyllus should call you
His father, and, seize you, a kiss to imprint.

BLEPYRUS.
O hang him! Confound him! O how I would pound him!

CHREMES.
I fancy you soon would be smelling of mint.

PRAXAGORA.
But this, sir, is nonsense : it never could be.
That whelp was begotten before the Decree.
His kiss, it is plain, you can never obtain.

BLEPYRUS.
The prospect I view with disgust and alarm.
But who will attend to the work of the farm ?

PRAXAGORA.
All labour and toil to your slaves you will leave ;
Your business ’twill be, when the shadows of eve
Ten feet on the face of the dial are cast,
To scurry away to your evening repast.

BLEPYRUS.
Our clothes, what of them ?

PRAXAGORA.
You have plenty in store,
When these are worn out, we will weave you some more.

BLEPYRUS.
Just one other thing. If an action they bring,
What funds will be mine for discharging the fine ?
You won’t pay it out of the stores, I opine.

PRAXAGORA.
A fine to be paid when an action they bring !
Why bless you, our people won’t know such a thing
As an action.

BLEPYRUS.
No actions! I feel a misgiving.
Pray what are “ our people ”’ to do for a living?

CHREMES.
You are right: there are many will rue it.

PRAXAGORA.
No doubt.
But what can one then bring an action about ?

BLEPYRUS.
There are reasons in plenty ; just mention one.
If a debtor won’t pay you, pray what’s to be done ?

PRAXAGORA.
If a debtor won’t pay! Nay, but tell me, my friend,
How the creditor came by the money to lend ?
All money, I thought, to the stores had been brought.

CHREMES.
I’ve got a suspicion, I say it with grief,
Your creditor’s surely a bit of a thief.

BLEPYRUS.
Now that is an answer acute and befitting.
But what if a man should be fined for committing
Some common assault, when elated with wine ;
Pray what are his means for discharging that fine?
I have posed you, I think.

PRAXAGORA.
Why, his victuals and drink
Will be stopped by command for awhile ; and I guess
That he will not again in a hurry transgress,
When he pays with his stomach.

BLEPYRUS.
Will thieves be unknown ?

PRAXAGORA.
Why, how should they steal what is partly their own?

BLEPYRUS.
No chance then to meet at night in the street
Some highwayman coming our cloaks to abstract ?

PRAXAGORA.
No, not if you’re sleeping at home ; nor, in fact,
Though you choose to go out. That trade, why pursue it?
There’s plenty for all: but suppose him to do it,
Don’t fight and resist him ; what need of a pother ?
You can go to the stores, and they’ll give you another.

BLEPYRUS.
Shall we gambling forsake ?

PRAXAGORA.
Why, what could you stake?

BLEPYRUS.
But what is the style of our living to be ? ;

PRAXAGORA.
One common to all, independent and free,
All bars and partitions for ever undone,
All private establishments fused into one.

BLEPYRUS.
Then where, may I ask, will our dinners be laid ?

PRAXAGORA.
Each court and arcade of the law shall be made
A banqueting-hall for the citizens.

BLEPYRUS.
Right.
But what will you do with the desk for the speakers ?

PRAXAGORA.
I’ll make it a stand for the cups and the beakers ;
And there shall the striplings be ranged to recite
The deeds of the brave, and the joys of the fight,
And the cowards’ disgrace ; till out of the place
Each coward shall slink with a very red face,
Not stopping to dine.

BLEPYRUS.
O but that will be fine.
And what of the balloting-booths?

PRAXAGORA.
They shall go
To the head of the market-place, all in a row,
And there by Harmodius taking my station,
I’ll tickets dispense to the whole of the nation,
Till each one has got his particular lot,
And manfully bustles along to the sign
Of the letter whereat he’s empanelled to dine.
The man who has A shall be ushered away
To the Royal Arcade ; to the next will go B ;
And Θ to the Cornmarket.

BLEPYRUS.
Merely to see?

PRAXAGORA.
No, fool, but to dine.

BLEPYRUS.
’Tis an excellent plan.
Then he who gets never a letter, poor man,
Gets never a dinner.

PRAXAGORA.
But ’twill not be so.
There’ll be plenty for all, and to spare.
No stint and no grudging our system will know,
But each will away from the revelry go,
Elated and grand, with a torch in his hand
And a garland of flowers in his hair.
And then through the streets as they wander, a lot
Of women will round them be creeping,
“O come to my lodging,” says one, “ I have got
Such a beautiful girl in my keeping.”
“ But here is the sweetest and fairest, my boy,”
From a window another will say,
“ But ere you’re entitled her love to enjoy
Your toll to myself you must pay.”
Then a sorry companion, flat-visaged and old,
Will shout to the youngster “ Avast !
And where are you going, so gallant and bold,
And where are you hieing so fast ?
’Tis in vain ; you must yield to the laws of the State,
And I shall be courting the fair,
Whilst you must without in the vestibule wait,
And strive to amuse yourself there, dear boy,
And strive to amuse yourself there.”
There now, what think ye of my scheme ?

BLEPYRUS.
First-rate.

PRAXAGORA.
Then now I’ll go to the market-place, and there,
Taking some clear-voiced girl as crieress,
Receive the goods as people bring them in.
This must I do, elected chieftainess
To rule the State and start the public feasts ;
That so your banquets may commence to-day.

BLEPYRUS.
What, shall we banquet now at once ?

PRAXAGORA.
You shall.
And next I’ll make a thorough sweep of all
The flaunting harlots.

BLEPYRUS.
Why?

PRAXAGORA.
That these free ladies
May have the firstling manhood of our youths.
Those servile hussies shall no longer poach
Upon the true-love manors of the free.
No, let them herd with slaves, and lie with slaves,
In servile fashion, snipped and trimmed to match.

BLEPYRUS.
Lead on, my lass. I’ll follow close behind ;
That men may point and whisper as I pass,
There goes the husband of our chieftainess.

CHREMES.
And I will muster and review my goods,
And bring them all, as ordered, to the stores.

(Here was a choral song, now lost, during which Chremes is preparing to bring out his chattels from the house.)

CHREMES.
My sweet bran-winnower, come you sweetly here.
March out the first of all my household goods,
Powdered and trim, like some young basket-bearer.
Aye, many a sack of mine you have bolted down.
Now where’s the chair-girl ? Come along, dear pot,
(Wow! but you’re black: scarce blacker had you chanced
To boil the dye Lysicrates employs)
And stand by her. Come hither, tiring-maid ;
And pitcher-bearer, bear your pitcher here.
You, fair musician, take your station there,
You whose untimely trumpet-call has oft
Roused me, ere daybreak, to attend the Assembly.
Who’s got the dish, go forward ; take the combs
Of honey ; set the olive branches nigh ;
Bring out the tripods and the bottles of oil ;
The pannikins and rubbish you can leave.